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Off The Rail - Apr 10, 2006 - Printable Version
- Southern Discomfort
by Mike Bohling
Immigration seems to be the hot-topic diversion of this political season. It being a subject that I have some first hand familiarity with, I’d like to put in my two cents worth. Firstly, I should explain why I label it as a “diversion”. Immigration Policy is this year’s Protection of Marriage. This is not to say that it is not an important issue, only that it’s timing as a major issue is suspect after more than 30 years of willful neglect by our elected officials. Politicians have little desire to focus election year attention on the real threats to our nation like unprecedented deficit, the corruption that engulfs our legislative process, election fraud, the shredding of the constitution, or the civil war erupting over there in Throesville. So for the next six months, all of our up-for-re-election-covering-their-ass-politicians as well as the corporate media will be dedicating 100% their efforts to confronting the “Terror from the South” as yet another WMD in the long line of blatant diversionary tactics. That being said, let’s take serious a look at how to solve our immigration problem.
For the record, I believe that illegal immigration should have become a major political issue many years ago, back in the early seventies when the tidal wave began. It is one of the few social issues in which I have conservative tendencies, in that immigration needs to be regulated and controlled, however, (and this is a big however) I strongly disagree with the idea of penalizing illegal immigrants after they have already arrived in our country. There is no benefit whatsoever in making felons of hard working, taxpaying individuals and families simply because of their presence in the United States.
This issue is not one of the here and now, it is an issue about solving the problem for the next 50 years. This is where our shortsighted politicians and lawmakers continually fail us, not only on immigration, but in every policy that outlives their short tenure in office. (Energy, Environment, and Deficit are a few of the colossal policy failures that immediately come to mind)
My perspective on illegal immigration is one that comes from the experience of hiring and working with legally documented, illegally documented, and completely undocumented workers for the past 25 years. First and foremost, I believe that blaming the immigrant for coming here to work is like blaming the horse because the wheel fell off the wagon. Let’s place the responsibility where it belongs; The problem is not the undocumented worker who comes to the U.S. looking for a job, it is the U.S. companies that seek out and hire undocumented workers.
Interestingly, I find myself siding with Dubya on one point. That point is granting immigrants guest worker status, and giving them the opportunity to earn citizenship. The guest worker idea isn’t too far off of the mark, but it is a temporary solution that only solves one small part of the issue. The guest worker idea is the band-aide approach of treating the symptom while merrily ignoring the disease. Unfortunately, curing the disease that causes illegal immigration would give every corporate-boot-licking politician a serious case of the red ass. Applying band-aides is no way to treat a disease, but it is the reality of politics in America today. Surgery takes too long to recover from.
Anyway, even though it ain’t gonna happen and purely for the sake of mental masturbation, let’s talk a little about the cure instead of treating the symptoms. The disease itself is one that permeates American society on many levels and on many issues. The fact of the matter is that illegal immigration is merely one of the relatively minor symptoms of the disease, but since immigration is the topic du jour, we’ll concentrate on that ailment and leave the other issues for another day.
In case anyone is wondering, the disease has a name. It’s called Greed, and Dr. Mike’s Remedies™ has a sure-fire treatment to alleviate the agony and suffering of illegal immigration. Here’s how it goes.
First off, in order to stem the flow of illegal workers from crossing our boarders, laws must be passed that guarantees they are paid prevailing wages for work performed. Following this idea not only fair, and puts unemployed Americans on equal footing with undocumented workers, but also makes the job market itself more competitive.
According to the Pew Hispanic Center 7.2 million undocumented workers were employed in the U.S. in 2005, accounting for about 4.9% of the civilian labor force. If prevailing wages were paid for these 7.2 million jobs, and preference was given to unemployed Americans, I predict that we would see a large increase in the number of Americans taking the jobs that “Americans don’t want to do”. This one simple fix would effectively dry up the well that undocumented workers cross our boarder to drink from.
The second, and most important step in curing the disease is to make the employment of undocumented workers a felony, and aggressively prosecute any employer that hires illegals with mandatory jail time. Putting a few high profile executives behind bars will push the point across. Additionally, incarcerate the “High Society” types who employ undocumented maids, nannies, and cooks to round out the prison population at the Martha Stewart Marriott and get the ball rolling. Go after the farming, cleaning, construction, and food preparation industries (where 24%, 17%, 14% and 12% of illegal workers are respectively employed), and fill jail cells with the owners of the companies that employ them. It seems like a much more effective, not to mention easier task, than trying to round up 11.5 million illegal immigrants and putting them in jail, doesn’t it?
Unless prevailing wages paid, and employers are prosecuted, slapping band-aides on the problem will only allow the disease to fester, and a comprehensive, long term Immigration Policy will go the way of the Dodo Bird and Campaign Finance reform. After a few years of implementing these solutions, we’ll all be surprised at how quickly the “Terror from the South” fades into a distant memory.
Disclaimer: Dr. Mike’s Remedies™ for Illegal Immigration may induce heartburn, headache, nausea, impotence, erectile dysfunction, and shrinking bottom lines for the Heartless Industrial Elite and the Spineless Politicians who pander to them. If your income is over $10,000,000 annually, consult an accountant before using Dr. Mike’s Remedies™ for your Southern Discomfort. It is highly recommended that in preparation for using Dr. Mike’s Remedies™, you begin a strict regimen of lobbying your congressional representatives for another round of humongous and gratuitous tax cuts in order to offset the cost of actually paying your employees a living wage for work performed. Results may vary state to state.
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