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Faulking Opinions - Aug 20, 2009 - Printable Version
- Motivated Personal Assistant Seeks Internet Pervert
by Katie Lauren
I have never really been the type to win one over with a well written resume. Choosing the proper vernacular to describe myself has always come across, well, lame. There are people who can describe making copies as “certified processor of all office reproductions and ink technician”. And I just usually put “made copies”. Cause who really wants to bullshit around? If I were an employer, those who try to make answering the phone into a complicated job title, well, I wouldn’t hire them. So you can imagine my enthusiasm when I found this job listing on Craigslist: Personal assistant (Moore)
________________________________________
Date: 2009-08-20, 9:44AM CDT
Reply to: job-9jnj6-1332857870@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
________________________________________
I am looking for a fun, outgoing, trust worthy, open minded personal assistant. I am a builder/contractor. I am 27 years old and still like having fun so you can't be boring. The hours are 25-30 hours a week with great monthly pay. Occasional weekend travel is required. College students welcome to apply. Please respond with a paragraph about yourself & why you think you are good for the job. Be real & fun in your email. Thanks.
• Location: Moore
• Compensation: 2000-2500
• This is a part-time job.
My heart stopped. I questioned, “Could this be my potential sexual harassment law suit?” I knew immediately sending in my resume would be futile, but some well placed “LOL’s” and some cut and pastes from various MySpace “About Me” comments would surely land me this job. So, I prayed about it and sent this response:
Hi! I just saw your ad on Craigslist and to be honest, I was super stoked since I have had nothing but hard times finding a job. This economy sucks, lol! I go to University of Central Oklahoma trying to get my degree in early childhood education, (I <3 kids, LOL). I have worked as a secretary for a few years now, I just hate this whole non real office environment. I'm all about working and having fun. Totally combine the two on a daily basis lol. I love Vegas on the weekends (palms resort, bitches) and bricktown. I have about 3 tattoos they are so addicting LOL. I am wanting to get maybe another on my back. Oh! And peircings, too. But aside from whatever, I am looking to get out of this office job and finally get a job where I actually want to come in. Lol. Let me know if you want my resume. I would be really excited to interview for this position.
Kimmy
I decided Kimmy was a fun and exciting name. Reminiscent of DJ Tanners best friend, Kimmy Gibler. I thought signing it Kimmy Gibler would be a dead giveaway, maybe not.
I have spent the past week sending out resumes to anything I figured I was over or under qualified for, and only receiving one response. So I was thrilled when he responded in less than 5 minutes:
Are you able to travel? And do you like to go out when you do travel? I am still young so I have fun whenever im working as well. I do like to be very close with my assistant... me and my last assistant was very close.. If you think your the one please respond with a few pics. Thanks.
No, thank YOU Greg Jones. It seemed unusual that Mr. Jones had no interest in viewing my resume. I guess it’s always a good idea to know that your secretary won’t be butt ugly. A picture is worth a thousand words, and my resumes only got like 200 words at best. So I sent Mr. Jones 2 pictures and this message:
Greg,
I totally agree that a close working relationship is so awesome. I am always up to traveling, working hard during the day and playing hard at night! LOL! I'm up for anything! LOL! I am sending two pics for you, what do we need to do to close this deal?
Kimmy
I decided the two best pics to showcase my assistant capabilities would be a picture of me sucking on my finger, and another one that would showcase my ability to feed babies.
Greg responded in less that 3 minutes:
well, I have some other replies... I wanna see if you are down with what im wanting. The interview process is a bit different than normal jobs. As you know im sure :)
Clueless as to what Mr. Jones could possibly be wanting, I responded:
Greg,
What exactly do I need to do to get this job?
Kimmy
To which he replied:
that depends on you.
To which I replied:
Greg,
I am completely desperate to get out of this office. What can I do? I am so desperate.
Kimmy
And here I wait. My career rests on the whim of a contractor from Moore. I was truly hoping that finally, my bubbly personality and fun loving nature would pay off. Someone could really appreciate me for me. (LOL!) And my love of using LOL! (LOL!). I have been sitting and waiting for Mr. Jones, and wait, here he is again:
well, we can meet and see if I think your the one??
A meeting? Great! And he seems like such a down to earth guy. But busy. Too busy to even use a contraction for the word “you’re”. But never too busy to interview a potential job candidate. Confused about what Mr. Jones could be wanting, I replied with:
Greg,
Just to make sure we are on the same page? Where do you want me to cum meet you at,and what should I wear? Will this be an oral interview? LOL
Kimmy
Gregs reply:
no, this is just 2 friends hanging out in oral ways... Im actually in norman at the moment.. and will be here all day.. so norman would be best. Wherever you want to meet.
I really thought I was on to something. The career of a lifetime, but then, tragedy struck.
I just looked up your myspace for this email and you are a male.. not interested sorry. have a good one.
Mr Jones, I believe the correct response would be “I just looked up your MySpace and you are a cat”. I figured the status message on my cats myspace would have been a dead giveaway that these were indeed cats, as well as their headline of “I want chicken, I want liver”, and the fact that the profile pic is 2 cats. So I responded:
That is the MySpace I made up for my cats. LOL! Do you have a MySpace?
I could only imagine the disappointment he must have felt. But in the meanwhile, I had sent another message:
Greg,
Would you like to meet perhaps at Louies in Campus Corner, or if you live in Norman or Moore, I would be more than happy to meet you at your house. Whatever works LOL! I am desperate. I have to wash my car in about 30 minutes and then if you want to meet after that, that would be great as long as you don't mind me wearing my car washing clothes. I am really getting excited about this job, don't leave me high and dry. LOL! What do you expect from me in this position?
Kimmy
I thought I had lost this job, until Greg responded again:
No I don't. I was just looking on there. This has nothing to do with the job interview this is just us hanging out you understand that right? I have a meeting at 3 so you'll have to do your thing quickly. I don't want to meet at campus corner though.
After a few more e-mails which seemed to have little or nothing to do with any qualifications or work experience, Greg and Kimmy decided it would be best for them to meet at a place called “Hayday”, a little place off of Indian Hill Rd. A place where “kids go play”. To which I responded:
That sounds awesome! But do we really want kids there? It does sound super fun though. I wish you would just tell me what you want me to do to be your assistant. I am up for anything! LOL!
To which Greg responded:
We will leave there, that's just a place to meet... I just don't want to get into trouble, craigslist is risky
Greg is no fool. Craigslist is risky. So I replied:
Yeah, craigslist can be really risky. Lots of creeps out there! LOL! Your plan sounds great to me. I am going to go wash my car but I will e-mail you back with a time. And my phone number. Where should we go after the hayday?
So we have decided to meet at Hayday in a about 45 minutes. And then “find a spot” to discuss my future. Actually, I am not sure what we are discussing since I have tried repeatedly to bring the job back into the series of e-mails which then became “2 friends meeting in oral ways”. I have a slight hesitation in thinking that this could possibly not result in a job, but more perhaps a desperate man who is too stupid to put a singles ad on Craigslist, but lure women into thinking they have a job when it could quite possibly be a sorry excuse for a blow job. But I could be wrong, and I will leave that judgment up to you. I am sending Greg one last message that will include a link to my resume/this article.
Greg,
Just in case you needed it, here is a link to my resume online. Hope you like it.
Kimmy
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