HOME
Message Board
CURRENT COLUMNS
- Editor's Corner
- Blogfest 2005
- Commentary
- Commentary Too
- Down The Middle
- Faulking Around
- Global Warning
- This guy walks into a bar...
- Investing 101
- Faulking Opinions
- Off The Rail
- Words
ARCHIVES
LINKS
CONTACT US
 | |||
Internet Drive-bys - Mar 19, 2004 - Printable Version
- Love on the Farm
by Russell Tharp
Every month, I pick a totally random internet web search, some are obscure, some are a bit weird, and some are, in all honesty, just plain stupid. Every one of them, however, have one thing in common: they are all totally pointless. Then I waste hours of my valuable time (valuable is a purely relative term) sorting through the list of matches that come up. This week's search (and don't ask me how I came up with it):
I discovered something about the internet with this search: no matter how demented, sick, or disgusting a subject is, someone, somewhere is posting something about it in cyberspace. And even more disturbing, someone, somewhere (and most likely more than one someone) is looking for graphic details on that subject. It's a sick world, and not just because Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern live in it.
The good news: Out of the thousands (that's right, thousands) of matches on this subject, most of them didn't actually have anything to do with having sex with chickens.
The bad news: I said "most of them".
Here are a few of my favorites, and by favorites, I'm not saying I enjoyed them. The sad truth is, I didn't have the nerve to visit most of them. If you want to enter these sites to see what they're really talking about, you're on your own. There's a life lesson in there somewhere, I'm just not sure what it is. Personally, I prefer to let my already twisted imagination fill in the blanks. Anyway, here they are, followed by my color commentary:
Sex Guides and FAQ
... Geese do not have sex in the dark and can become distracted by outside noises. ... Next, grab the mountee (other goose or chicken) and hold him gently. ...
http://www.dolphinsex.org/goose.html
The sick visual here is the "Next, grab the mountee and hold him gently...." part. It reminds me of my eighth grade English class: Complete the following sentence: "Grab the mountee and hold him gently......"
However, I was interested to know that geese don't have sex in the dark. I'm thinking it's some sort of a visual erotic stimulus "Oh baby, your wings are so hot. Oh yeah, show me those fine tailfeathers. Who's your gander?"
One question, though, why do they have a section on chicken and goose sex at "dolphinsex.com"? What's the connection? Maybe Darwin was right after all.
Sex reversal in chickens
...of spontaneous sex reversal are the result of a disease condition which has resulted in damage to the left ovary. Typically, female chickens...
http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/PS050
Spontaneous sex reversal. This is something you Republicans might be interested in. Think about it: If we could somehow pinpoint those with gay tendencies at an early age, infect them with whatever this disease is that causes spontaneous sex reversal, and viola, you've got a God fearing heterosexual. Gay men become straight women, lesbians are transformed into macho guys. Maybe a billion or so in grant money could study the feasibility of this idea. I think it has real merit. And one more thing: notice how it's the "left" ovary that's diseased (commonly known as the "liberal" ovary)? Coincidence? I don't think so.
MTV.com - News -Ludacris Parties In A Tree House, Shows Chickens
And if the chickens having sex don't please the audience, Cris can find solace in the fact that his weekend adventures are amusing to a...
http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1451642/01032002/ludacris.jhtml
MTV, Ludicris, sex with chickens. Enough said.
Occasionally, a totally random website shows up on a search, proving that even the internet isn't perfect (I know that's a shock to most of you, but it's true). For instance, in this month's search, the following match came up:
What do you think Bill Gates should do with his wealth?
... com), April 03, 1998. You don't have to do anything with it Bill, you earned it...
October 07, 1998. I think what you have to do is help the poor people.Help schools
Now, try as I might, I got nothing here. If you can somehow connect Bill Gate's money to sex with chickens, email it to me. No, wait, keep it to yourself. I don't even want to know.
newsobserver.com - Sex ed may get more detailed (11/4/2002)
...in recent months, Selma officials have received more than three dozen complaints about wayward chickens. ... Tuesday, February 11,
2003 6:48AM EST Sex ed may get more ...
http://newsobserver.com/news/story/1885999p-1873365c.html
Now this one is really disturbing. They get more than three dozen complaints about "wayward chickens" in Selma, and that somehow prompts a school policy change in the sex education curriculum. More detailed? Perhaps something to this effect would work: "Okay, class, before I describe the proper technique of having intercourse, let me first clarify something. I'm talking about sex between two consenting humans here. Inter-species intercourse is not okay, no matter what your Uncle Clem told you. And even though your chicken can't speak, in this case, ‘boooooccckkk!' still means ‘no'. Any questions?"
Sore Eyes: The Joy of Sexing
... The Joy of Sexing. The Joy of Sexing is a lot more work-safe than you'd expect from the title. "Two years ago I sexed my last chick," Hugh Grove said. ...
http://soreeyes.org/archives/000694.html
The interesting thing about this one is that it's actually a review of an article on chicken sexing that first appeared in Atlantic Monthly. And now, here I am writing an article about a review of an article about chicken sexing. Does this subject really deserve this much attention? Probably not. More on this one later.
Poultry Essays / Essay Fifteen: Questions and Answers
... This is the only reason I am still sexing chickens in my seventies. ... Q: How can you tell the difference between a male and a female Polish chick? ...
http://www.bernalpublishing.com/poultry/essays/essay15.shtml
Polish chickens? I'm thinking there has to be a joke here somewhere, which leads me to another google search , this time for "polish chicken jokes", and viola, another two hours wasted. See how this works? Next thing I know, it's four in the morning, and the fact that I have to go to work in three hours somehow isn't as important as finding out how to tell the difference between a male and female chicken by looking under their wing.
Polish Chicken Farmers (G)
Joke Submitted By: Anonymous
Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They
get some chickens and plant them in the ground,
headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are
somewhat confused, but they don't give up.
They get some more chickens, but these are planted
feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the
second batch of chickens die, too.
They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture
bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the
procedures they have followed and their disappointing
results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from
the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a
soil sample."
I found that one at www.jokecenter.com. Plus, there was a flashing banner at the top that said "You've just won $50" in giant coma-inducing flashing red letters. Later, I went back to the site to copy the joke for this article, and I was a winner again! It's obvious, this is my lucky day. What are the odds?
And then of course, you have sites like farmgirls.com, which claims to be "banned in 51 states". In other words, this site is apparently so disgusting that someone said, "You know, this is so offensive that when Puerto Rico finally becomes a state, we'll enforce a ‘pre-emptive self-defensive ban' there, just in case." I think that one is covered under the Patriot Act. You can't be too careful nowadays.
A word of warning here: if you click on an unknown website, there is always the risk of infecting your computer with some random virus (I'm guessing "chicken pox" in this case), or even worse, trapping yourself in one of those eternal popup cycles, where the more you try to escape the more disgusting the popups become, until finally, you end up linked to (God forbid) the Paris Hilton sex tapes. Apparently, in cyberspace, all virtual roads eventually lead to the Paris Hilton sex tapes. But, to give Paris the benefit of the doubt, I don't think there's any connection between sex with chickens and Paris Hilton. But, wait a minute, she did do that reality series in Arkansas, on a farm, with all those chickens running loose. . . . . . . . naw, Paris is too classy for that. Stick her arm up a cow's butt maybe, but sex with chckens, not a chance. This isn't the Howard Stern Show, after all.
Obscure Segue: Speaking of viruses, here's another link that showed up in this month's search:
Science News Online (12/13/97): Chicken Flu Virus Raises Concerns
... Although mild avian viruses have infected people in the past, causing eye irritation, this is the first direct chicken-to-human transmission of a virulent flu ...
http://www.sciencenews.org/sn_arc97/12_13_97/fob1.htm
Once again, if there's any connection between "sex with chickens" and the transmission of a "virulent flu from chicken-to-human", I'd rather not know about it. Please, let just the tiniest bit of innocence remain in this sordid Universe.
And finally, here's an excerpt from the Atlantic Monthly article on sexing chickens. It says it better than I ever could:
http://www.theatlantic.com/issues/2000/03/doyle.htm
The Joy Of Sexing
Sixty years spent telling one newly hatched bird from the next
by Brian Doyle
"Two years ago I sexed my last chick," Hugh Grove said. "I walked away.It was time. I was relieved to be done. I quit cutting my thumbnail just so, and put my smock and bucket and light away, and that was that. No regrets. The time comes, and you've got to face it like a man.
Grove was standing in a field of garlic on a hill in Oregon's farm country, not far from the mountains of the Coast Range. He was talking about independent poultry sexing -- discerning the sex of a newborn chick -- which was a commercial skill in great demand in mid-twentieth-century America. Grove was born in Canyonville, in southwest Oregon, in 1919. As a teenager he came north to work on Charlie Wilson's farm, near Newberg. "There were a couple of gals sexing chicks there," he explained, "and Mrs. Wilson said to me, 'There's a good job for you.' So I learned the business, from a Mrs. Hickey, who was a great sexer. She was a terrific sexer.
"I started with Leghorn cockerel chicks and then did turkeys," Grove said. "Over the years I've sexed geese, ducks, quails, pheasants, partridges -- even canaries, which you have to sex by using a crochet needle to get them open. "But I've done a hell of a lot of chickens -- more chickens than anything else. Millions of chickens. Millions. I opened more chickens than any hundred chefs and cooks you could find. Rhode Island reds, Parmenter reds, White Rocks, white Leghorns -- those are the easiest, probably. Barred Rocks -- those you can tell by color, too. Rock Cornish hens, and then black turkeys, Beltsville turkeys, whites, bourbon reds, Narragansetts, and bronzes. I've sexed twenty-eight thousand turkeys in a row -- a planeload to be sent to Utah. The Mormons are crazy for turkeys. I could sex as many as fifteen hundred turkeys an hour. That's about one every two seconds. And I was one of the best. I
guaranteed ninety-nine percent accuracy, and there's not many fellas who could say that -- or gals either."
What is the biggest bird he ever sexed?
"Wild turkey. Big, strong bird. I was asked to sex an emu once, but I didn't do it. Too big. It'd be a battle to open it, and they can kick your brains out, you know."
Read more articles by Russell Tharp in our archives:
http://www.faulkingtruth.com/Archives.cgi
Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post).
| Internet Drive-bys Archives: Love on the Farm (Russell Tharp, Mar 19, 2004) Confessions of A Chicken Sexaholic: A Cautionary Tale of Breasts and Thighs (Russell Tharp, Apr 13, 2004) |