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This guy walks into a bar and says... - March 27, 2007 - Printable Version
- I've Been Meaning To Tell You....
by Ken Shade
A few days ago, on NPR, I heard about some web site on which you can post open letters to people "who will probably not respond." It immediately struck me as something I'd like to do. I have a lot of things to get off of my chest to the famous, the infamous and the regular people I have known. One reason for this is that I am prone to nostalgia. Another is that I always want to know if my take on an event or situation was right. The main reason, though, is that I hated high school. I didn't just dislike it, I hated it. I hated high school the way I hate nazis, hominy and Captain and Tennille songs. (Spell Checker is attempting to change "Tennille" to "penile," which seems appropriate.) I hated it because I was forced to spend every day in a place I didn't want to be, doing things I didn't want to do with people I didn't want to be near....and I had to get up early to do it!
Oh, I had friends. There was a small group of intellectuals, eccentrics, outcasts and drama geeks I was very, very close to. Many of them are still my friends to this day. So, I didn't dislike everybody there. I just disliked most of them.
I disliked the girls who rejected me because I was overweight.
I disliked the guys who dated the girls who rejected me because I was overweight.
I disliked the kids the teachers loved because the teachers loved them.
I disliked the farm kids (We called them "cow sucks.") who attacked me for having long hair.
I disliked the kids who accepted authority.
I disliked the kids who had fancy new cars their dads bought for them.
I disliked the ones who had no interest in social and political issues.
I disliked the ones who loved disco.
Most of all, though, I disliked them en masse because they seemed so banal and colorless....so ordinary. I walked down the hall and saw only a wall of faces, the same faces every day, and it all looked like a scene from Metropolis to me. They were all drones.
This was inaccurate and unfair, of course. My life since graduation has taught me that I was a lot more like the people around me than I understood at that time. Still, it was the way I looked at things.
Had I hated high school less, I would have taken the end of it more seriously. I would have realized that leaving it was one of life's major transitions. I would have understood that there were a lot of things I had never said, and that the time to say them was wasting away. All I could think about was getting out, and away from everybody who didn't sit at my lunch table. All of that didn't sink in until about six months after graduation.
By then, of course, it was too late.
I went to my ten-year and twenty-year high school reunions, and I really enjoyed them. Removed from the context of the institution, I discovered that I could enjoy hanging with the inmates. I told quite a few people the things I hoped to say to them. The problems with that are twofold: 1) A very successful class reunion is usually attended by about 50% of the people you went to school with. 2) The friends you had in the classes ahead of you and behind you will not be there. I never got a chance to talk to a lot of folks.
When the "open letter" web site got my attention, I started thinking about the people I'd like to write open letters to, and I immediately realized a problem: There were too many of them. I am cursed by my memory. I do not forget very many events, conversations or people. Consequently, I remember a lot of misunderstandings, offenses, missed opportunities, fights, crushes, unheard confessions, warm moments and unasked questions that were not all tucked away properly years ago. I supposed that this web site would only allow one or two open letters, and I couldn't think of who I'd want to use those precious few pages to write to. Eliminating celebrities, historical figures, politicians, the dead, missing pets and people I am already in daily contact with, there were still more than eighty names on my list.
No, the site I heard about on the radio would not do, but The Faulking Truth will. I could publish open letters to everybody on the North American continent here if I wanted to. Mark is a very tolerant dude.
So, here we go! I have gone through my high school yearbooks and written short missives to those I might never have a chance to unburden myself to otherwise. (Open text messages?) I have altered the names of many of them, but I hope I have done it in a way they can figure out. If any of them read this, I want them to know who they are. Some of the names (Shawn Burns, for example) are authentic. I left them unaltered because I am still angry with them, I want to honor them, there is nothing here to embarrass them or because I think they may be too stupid or drug addled to figure out even the most obvious word play.
In one case, I did it because I still fear these people. Everybody in or near my home town knows to avoid provoking the "Wishlist" family.
I realize that almost nobody who reads this will have any idea who these people are because they didn't go to my high school. At least twenty-two percent of TFT readers, though, have attended some high school, somewhere, and probably knew similar people there. Maybe they will want to join me and do what I have done. Maybe all this will initiate dialogue and long-delayed healing....or maybe we'll all just get our asses kicked.
No events in this article are entirely fictional. Any resemblance between those mentioned here and actual persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.
Thad Coughs &
Justin Wifery
Why are there striking facial resemblances between you two and the animals you are displaying on the FFA page in this yearbook? Should I be glad I never even peeked into the Vo-Ag building?
Twila Pitchfork
I wish I had played with you more when we were kids, and lived so close. I was afraid of your big brothers. One of your brothers was named "Duke." So was the dog next door. Your brother was uglier and had bigger teeth. I was terrified of both. The dog had once bitten me. Your Duke seemed quite capable of doing the very same thing. When you grew to be stunningly beautiful, I wished I had forged stronger bonds in the early years.
To all of you: How did I come to be acting as CSU's Broncho mascot in a parade, and at a couple of games? I recall doing it, but why me? That suit didn't have a fly, and the parade was very long.
I wonder who had to wear it after me?
Lorrie Carroll
I know I shouldn't have spread the rumor that I had nude photos of you and Pam. I was angry. You two were so gleefully contemptuous and condescending toward me when I asked you to "go with" me that I wanted to get back at you. For the record, I never even knew where your windows were, or even where either one of you lived. I still don't know if there is any such thing as an "infrared flash."
Brenda Weeds
Thanks for letting me (us, really) feel you up during P. E. You didn't look or smell all that good, but hey, they were breasts!
Timmy Buggerman
I'm sorry I was chasing you, and that I laughed so hard when you smashed into a metal pole. However, I have long had this question: What did you think would happen when you came to school dressed as Wonder Woman? It wasn't as bad as the day you came dressed in a pink fairy outfit -- on roller skates -- but you should have known better.
By the way, I was the one who took the screws out of your crutches so you'd fall on your ass.
Denean Coleslaw
I wasn't offended at your smutty novel. I was just angry to find out that you were interested in sex, but not, apparently, sex with me.
Deborah Mouser
The fact that you later didn't remember leaping at me suddenly and raking my face with your fingernails hurt more than the original attack.
Shelly Coitus
In third grade, my Kreskin's ESP kit told me I would marry you, and die in 2005. I am very glad it was wrong on both counts.
Shawn Burns
I was delighted that you got to be so overweight and unattractive in the 80's. In the 70's, you said you'd be my girlfriend if I wasn't "such a fat slob." Man, did your butt get huge!
Mrs. Winters
How did you get the gig of teaching "The Bible As Literature"? It seems to me that knowing Moses was Jewish should have been a prerequisite.
Kevin Laughlin
If you ever decide to be friends with Tony or me again, we won't try to save your soul this time...PROMISE! We spend more time on the subject of our own souls, these days.
Rebekah Babar
How could you strut around acting like Miss. Hotbod and not hear your enormous thighs slapping together? Did you think it was applause?
Sherry Tipton
I didn't mean to touch you there. The hall was crowded, and somebody shoved me.
This is not to say that I exactly hated it, though. Did you ever have second thoughts about turning down Bono after the U2 gig? In case you've blocked it out, allow me to remind you that you turned down Bono because you didn't want to offend your date for the evening....FRANK HARTUNG! Even though U2 was then unknown, it still seemed like a questionable call to me.
Kristi Material
Didn't you realize that your white bikini became transparent when wet? You probably didn't, and I'm still glad about it. You really brightened my long shifts in the McDonald's lobby when you came in for lunch after swimming! It was better than Elizabeth Taylor in "Suddenly Last Summer." "Delta of Venus," indeed!
Michelle Hindrance
I don't resent you for needing to be worshipped, and manipulating compliments out of guys. I resent myself for giving you what you wanted.
Mr. Mears
I didn't speak in your behalf at that school board meeting. I spoke in my own behalf. There were reporters there, and my seventeen-year-old ego demanded that I wow them with my eloquence. You got to keep your position, and I got quoted in the paper. That's nice, but I would have spoken up for Richard Speck under those circumstances.
We could have been friends, though. Looking at the "Mixed Chorus" picture in the yearbook -- seeing the girls you chose and what you had them wear -- tells me that you and I are cut from the same fabric. I guess all vocal music teachers aren't gay, after all.
Susan Anubis
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was on the verge of having my crush on you revealed in a very embarrassing way. I had to do something fast. For the record, I think you should have been Miss EMH.
Steve Lowbach
Every time I see breaking news of some lunatic going on a shooting rampage, I half expect to hear your name. I'm really glad ROTC used fake rifles for drills.
Mr. Ebert
You actually put both hands and one knee on your desk, leaned forward to within a foot of my face and growled at me! Was that a common practice, or did I just bring out something dark in you?
Mrs. Warren
Anybody who says: "I know the book says Piltdown Man was a hoax, but it's real in my class" has no business teaching anthropology or world history. And another thing: Do you still believe you once saw The Anti-Christ driving a Cadillac through St. Louis?
Keith Angier
I really regret all those "Pollack" jokes we made at your expense. Those were not very enlightened times. If it helps, Loretta Swit, a Polish-American activist, was once rude to me.
Paul Simonize
Would it be possible to find out whatever happened to you without having to be involved in any sort of (shudder) friendship with you?
Leslie Precinct
What do Bill, Tony, Kevin, Nicole, Sam, John and I have in common? You told us all that we were going to Hell. None of us believed you....still don't.
Jaundice Missouri
It may have seemed sudden and unprovoked, but I had to contrive a way out of that relationship. I might have been able to deal with the hypocrisy of your leaving Bible study groups in which you condemn the sexual practices of almost everybody to go be degraded in empty warehouses by strangers you met on the Internet, but your suggestion that I tie bungee cords around your breasts and put metal clips on your nipples was really creeping me out! So was that phallic baby doll story.
Cinders Burned
Playing "doctor" with you in kindergarten changed me forever. To this day, I have a thing about white cotton panties.
A. D. Scaro
Your posture as one who "stands for freedom" would have been a lot more credible if your hero had not been Franco. That "Billy Jack" scene when you won the essay contest was pretty nauseating, too. Still, it was good to see that you became such a nice person as an adult.
Allen Christensen
I had to act outraged, but it was pretty funny when that guy de-pantsed you in P. E. You should know that a couple of the girls said you had a cute butt, though. Heck, even I could see that. Hmmm, if I hadn't been so straight....never mind.
Sherry Davis
Please forget every word of that note I wrote to you. It was all crude, and some of my suggestions were not physically possible. Jealousy is an ugly thing.
Kent Ferren
Super-jock though you may have been, I still caught a pass on you in intramurals, and nothing will ever change that.
Ms. "C"
Do you ever think about the bullets we dodged? I do.
Joe Fine
Contact me. I have something to discuss with you that I will not share with any other person on the planet.
Oh, and lighten up. I keep hearing stories about what a "Woodham" you've become. Your students won't respect you any less if they learn what a hip stoner musician you were when you were young.
Robert Garrett
Sam Walker and I were the ones who painted your garage door purple. I don't know why we did it. We felt silly afterward. As I recall, we were not stoned. We just had some paint, it was 4:00 AM, and there was your house.
Tammy Green
I used to do five minutes about you when I was a stand-up comic. It was all very complimentary. It was about the three things you always were: nice, beautiful and too perfect for me to approach in any romantic way. Even as we battled ennui in Mrs. Looper's class, scientists at M.I.T. and NASA were trying to develop instruments which could accurately measure the perfect curvature of your.....your everything.
Bent Hoagie
If somebody knocks on your door while you're having sex, don't answer. If you must answer, PUT SOME PANTS ON!
Every redhead in the school:
At some point, I was in love with each of you.
Mark Lewdness
You can't go back! That closet door only swings one way.
Karen Forivney
"I'd love to go out with you, but you have to understand that I'll never kiss you," doesn't exactly make a guy feel special. Have you been kissed, yet? Did you feel cheap and dirty when you did? I hope so.
Missy Mengele
I know you saw all those burning crosses and swastikas I drew on your pictures in the yearbook, and I'm sure you wondered what you did to deserve that. Well, you didn't really do anything to deserve it. I just resented the fact that you were one of those students that the teachers and counselors adored. They treated you like your poop came out in little Tupperware bowls. You could have had sex with a rabid badger in the foyer and they would have thought it was cute. Now that I think about it, the badger scene would have made you more approachable. Bestiality is less offensive than unrelenting perkiness.
Hattie McNailem
You were another one. The adults in charge of our world seemed to think you could do no wrong. They didn't know about the goings on in the closet of the stereo room at the YMCA.
Joann Shriner
It took me two days to get that smell off my fingers. That's why I avoided you.
LeSueur Peas
You were the first girl I ever kissed, and the first I ever saw naked. I'm sure you get that from all the guys, though.
Susan Pope &
Manetta Westfall
Wherever you two are, I hope you're still friends. You always seemed so perfect together.
Stove Ruster
Did you ever succeed in becoming a "tower of power"?
And another thing: Why did your mother's forehead look like the Michelin man's belly?
Valerie Bowker
I was singing that hideous Monkees song behind you all the time to try to get you to like me. I did the same thing to Cecilia Sipes, but it was a better song. Could anything have been more pathetic?
Lisa Stairs
You were so tall, so graceful, so beautiful, so intelligent, so stylish and so talented.
I was so intimidated.
Lorrie Stateline
I didn't know a term for it in the 70's, but today it's called a "camel toe," and you had one every day. It was less than attractive, especially when you wore the white jeans. Did you go to a special store to get those? Weren't your labia majora ever lonely for one-another?
Lori Troxel
Nice legs!
Jamie Wheeze
Honestly, I didn't know what to do. It was my first time in that situation. It didn't cross my mind it would embarrass you if I attempted to feel you up in a large crowd.
Robin Prest
Honestly, I didn't know what to do. It was my second time in that situation. It didn't cross my mind it would embarrass you if I attempted to feel you up in a large crowd.
Greg Wishlist, and all the other Wishlists
Now that you're "saved," can we get back the lunch money you stole from everybody? It comes to about $32,400.00, excluding interest.
Deborah Poohtring
You're the reason Winnie the Pooh's friend, Piglet, turns me on! I understand rehearsing a role in front of a mirror. I even understand doing it in a t-shirt and panties, being in your own room and all. What I do not understand is why you picked that night, of all nights, to leave your curtains open. I was just walking by to pick up Cynthia, and there you were! "Christopher Robin" became the Hundred Acre Wood. It's your fault the term "Milneophelia" was coined just to describe me. It's your fault I was kicked out of the Chicken Ranch. (Even the most hardened professionals won't wear a Piglet suit for you.)
Bucky Ford
When we were doing name spoonerisms in 8th grade English, I thought of you and Chuck Fairbanks. I laughed so hard I got kicked out of class. Nobody there ever knew why I was laughing.
Sue Swedenbabe
Terry was an acne-ravaged, smelly, short, lying, moronic bed wetter. It was demoralizing to have to compete with him for your affection. It was devastating to lose. I regained my confidence around 1993.
Kuen Hicks
Great idea! Don still talks about the day I showed up at Burger King and threw his underwear on the counter while he was working.
Steve Luton
Where are you? I miss you.
Jackie Merd
I have Sam's diary, and I see in it that he was too good-hearted to realize how sarcastic and cruel you and your nasty little friend were being to him during the last few months of his life. I know, though, and I hope you've grown. In case you've ever felt sorry for it, you'll be glad to know that he thought you two really liked him, and his feelings were never hurt.
Jack Money
Deny it all you want, but you did scream "Go, Razorbacks! Soooie pig!" in your sleep when we roomed together. I have witnesses.
Molly Curry
You could have picked a less visible place than the yard to have sex with Chris Swenson, but I'm glad you didn't. I got quite a kick out of watching. So did the six-year-old across the street.
Janis Murphy
How stupid could I be? You wrote "Call me" in my yearbook twice, and put your phone number right beside it. I didn't get the hint, though. You probably thought I didn't like you, but I was just being an idiot. If I could travel back through time, I'd return to 1978 and pull my head out of my own ass.
Gail Passage
Maybe I should apologize for acting pathetic so you'd give me pity kisses, but that would be dishonest. I'd do it again today.
Tom Porter
I'm sorry. I don't know why I was so mean to you at scout camp. I guess I was just thrilled to be the alpha male for a day or two. I didn't feel very "alpha" when you came after me with that hatchet, though. I was scared shitless!
Mary Neighfee
Have you ever figured out why the intense chemical attraction that drew us together died so quickly when we finally started talking? I haven't. Strangely, when I have told women about it as an adult, they think it's romantic and sexy. They get very excited, and attempt to remove their pants over their heads.
I have told that story many times.
Rita Renfro
I was willing to endure endless replays of "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" just to be with you. That's love!
Nice Roads
I hope you've stopped telling everybody how traumatized you were by witnessing the JFK assassination. I've seen a list of Dealy Plaza spectators, and nobody in your family was on it. Besides, you were two-and-a-half years old when it happened. You would have had no idea what was going on. So, unless you've got a piece of presidential parietal lodged in your face, stop it! You told that story to make girls think you were interesting, but what you really needed to do was brush that moss off your teeth.
Charla Bakendodaboate
What in the hell were you doing? There we were, your brother and four sixteen-year-old friends, loudly reading crude passages from a National Lampoon. Suddenly, in you stride, physical perfection in only white panties and a men's dress shirt, and started playing the piano! Minutes before you'd been telling us how disgusting we all were. Now you were arresting all conversation, and breathing. Just what message were you trying to convey? If you were just trying to get the attention of one of us, please tell me it wasn't Bart. It made me angry when hot girls went for Mr. XYY Pizza-face instead of me.
Mary Tendersohn
I think it was rude the way you pushed your grandmother out of the room when she walked in on us. Yes, we were naked and I was pan-handled, but granny was blind. We would have been fine if I had just kept quiet, and you had kept calm. Shoving her out the door and screaming at me to run wasn't cool at all. When I cleared the garage door, I turned right and ran right past your grandmother with my shoes, pants and undies in my hands. I'm glad she was blind. I sure wish your neighbors had been. I think I spoiled their barbecue.
Angie Sheb
Did you ever figure out why "the Mexicans" didn't feel morally compelled to give us their oil, as opposed to selling it to us? Did you ever figure out that Bill was mocking you when he took you to the library on a date? Did you ever figure out that you may have been the most idiotic cheerleader in school history?
Jim Zipless
Were you really gay, or just trying to be hip?
M. J. Bartley
I'm really sorry I told you to "fuck off." It was completely uncalled for and disrespectful. It wasn't even what I wanted to say, either. What I wanted to say was "I am very sad, and I fear a humiliating breakdown in front of all these people." That's not the kind of thing a seventeen-year-old boy wants to admit in front of his friends, so I insulted you. Once it was out, I couldn't take it back, and things were never the same between us. I don't even know if you're still alive, but I know I might not be, if not for you.
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