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This guy walks into a bar and says... - Dec 27, 2004 - Printable Version
- My Children Think I'm an Idiot
by Ken Shade
(Editor's note: This article contains adult themes. It's funny as hell, but it contains adult themes, nonetheless. The Faulking Truth assumes no liability for any emotional trauma that may be caused by reading this article, nor claims any credit for any invaluable life lessons contained herein. Enter at your own risk.) My children think I'm an idiot.
There's no malice involved. It's their job to think I'm an idiot. Your kids think you're all idiots, too. When I hear a new parent talking about how they want to teach their new baby all the things they've learned, I have to laugh. The kid won't care. By the time he is able to understand the whole nouns and verbs thing, he'll already know that he is the first person to have a real thought, and that the parent is a contemptible moron.
It's the way life works.
I used to dream of telling my children all of the things I had done, the mistakes I had made and the knowledge I had gained. I wanted them to avoid my track record. I still try, sometimes, to tell them. I try because I'm a quixotic fool, and because I want somebody, somewhere, to know that I'm not quite as stupid as I was when I knew I was smart.
They have no interest in hearing it at all. They know I have nothing to offer.
I told my teenage daughter that she could never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never have a candle in her bedroom. Over her vocal protest, I assured her that I knew how the kid brain works. I explained that she would light it, forget it, leave it and set the house on fire.
After years of this, certain that I knew nothing, she acquired a candle from a friend of hers.
Guess what happened?
She will, to her credit, now grudgingly admit that I know a thing or two about the causes of house fires. But, on every other subject, she joins with her siblings to form a stone wall of indifference to my tutorial offerings.
That's where you come in. I want to tell you what I've learned. Maybe one or two of you will identify, and this monkey will be off my back.
I learned things two ways. I learned a few things by repetition. However, I learned even more things by imprinting. Imprinting is like learning not to touch a hot stove by touching one. It imprints a new reality immediately. You burn yourself, and you'll never touch that thing again. I don't really KNOW a lot of things, but most of the things I do know I learned by the latter method. You will be able to tell by reading this list which things I learned in which way.
You will also, probably, be able to guess how I old I was when I learned these things (If I didn't mention it). I do not have them in chronological order because the age I learned them is irrelevant. The lessons are timeless.
Some of them are things I would never elaborate on. They are things which, even though they happened many years ago, are still too close to describe in any rational way. You'll have to imagine the stories.
Here, then, are the things I'd tell my children if I wasn't stupid:
Do not keep your Clearasil near the toothpaste.
If you like to read in the bathtub, don't get lost in your literature. Remember to rinse the conditioner out of your hair before you go to the store.
Always check both sides of a bite of prime rib before you eat it. There might be a huge chunk of pure horseradish stuck to it.
If you are watching an afternoon rerun of Gilligan's Island, and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann) gets you excited, remember to lock the door before you engage in a frenzied act of autoeroticism. Your father might come home early.
Turn off the TV, too. He might think you're looking at Gilligan.
If you have the chance in later life to meet Dawn Wells, do not tell her about it. She will not think it's funny.
You should never attend Thanksgiving dinner at your grandmother's house on acid.
Never publicly call Diana, the late Princess of Wales, the "royal brood mare."
A bloodthirsty mob will soon form.
Giving a redhead's pesky little brother a few dollars to go to 7-11 with, so you can be alone with her in her room, is an entertainment value.
Do not keep Preparation H near the toothpaste.
Never drink an entire one-ounce bottle of cinnamon oil.
Never try to see what Comet looks like coming out of the can by shaking it directly into your eyes.
A well meaning effort to keep your brother warm by attaching frayed electrical wires to his blanket could prove dangerous.
Wearing your briefs while you shower in seventh grade P.E. will invite more abuse than simply letting your classmates discover that you have nary a single pubic hair.
Wearing wet briefs under your jeans to your next class is uncomfortable, and makes people think you have "had an accident."
If your older brother says: "Come here, I want to try something," DON'T GO!
Do not keep KY Jelly near the toothpaste.
Eleven-year-olds should not use words like "fuck" and "pussy" in love notes to cute classmates. It doesn't make you seem sophisticated, and it alarms little girls, teachers, principals and parents.
Wearing purple eyeliner so you can go to school looking like the New York Dolls confuses and upsets grandfathers.
Wearing purple eyeliner so you can go to school looking like the New York Dolls makes the cowboy in your science class aggressive.
If there are extant photographs of you wearing a leisure suit, burn them the moment you decide to become a parent.
If your older brother is screaming: "Open the door! I'm gonna kill you!" don't open the door. He's serious.
If your well-built English teacher repeatedly invites you to come to her apartment at night, puts on a short, see-through nightie when you finally accept, then sits next to you on the couch and starts touching your hair, she's serious.
If a different, even hotter, teacher seduces you, don't feel special. You're not the first.
Any effort to look cool to your kids' friends will make you the object of funny stories they will tell in their old age.
Not all cheerleaders are bitchy ball breakers. Some use alcohol and relentless emotional need to destroy you.
Never call your coach, who was on the Olympic hammer-throw team, a "lima bean head."
If you decide to play doctor with the girl next door, make sure your mother is not washing dishes three feet away.
When traveling in England, look RIGHT before you step off the curb.
If sap falls out of a tree onto your head, don't taste it. It didn't come from the tree. It came from a bird.
If a stripper is making you feel special, a great deal of money is about to leave your possession. She will forget you when you leave.
No matter how hungry and drunk you are, if you see a small pile of barbecue potato chips on the floorboard of your car, don't eat it. You might discover that a cockroach was buried in it.
If you lose weight, don't throw your "fat clothes" away. You'll need them again.
If you are ever awakened by the sensation of something crawling across your face, don't turn on the light to see what it was. Some things are better left unknown.
Do not keep Lysol Basin, Tub and Tile Cleaner near the hair spray.
Adult women who are wearing transparent shirts should not have extended conversations with thirteen-year-old boys. If they do, they should not act surprised and appalled when the boy makes an extremely direct suggestion.
The average teenage girl who has finally given in to your constant pleading for oral sex will not, only moments later, take kindly to your suggestion of a threesome with her best friend.
If, during a performance of an Anton Chekov play, the glue under your fake beard gives way, let it fall. There is no way to make clutching it to your face appear natural.
High school girls are not impressed by how much beer you can drink.
If you do things just to offend people, don't be surprised when they're offended.
When you are older, you won't remember old girlfriends because they were beautiful. You'll remember the ones who were soft, nice and who smelled good.
Showing mercy and forgiving are the only impulsive actions you will never regret.
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