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This guy walks into a bar and says... - May 20, 2004 - Printable Version
- This is Gratuitous
by Ken Shade
Lately, I have been interested in what the hit count of The Faulking Truth has been. I want it to be high, but I have felt powerless to do anything to increase it. As with any website, most of the new readers we get will simply arrive because they entered search words which happened to appear in one of our articles. A lot of the things we write about on these pages are political, economic and dry. The terms used to write about these issues are not among the most popular search words, according to ISP's. The most popular search words are sexual and/or obscene.
I guess, though, that there is nothing I can do about this. So, I'll just plunge in and hope that the words we do use will be searched enough to make this project exciting and satisfying.
I have told people that I would be happy to vote for Jerry Falwell, rather than George W. Bush, and they have looked at me like I was insane. "Are you as stupid as Anna Kournikova," they ask? "Are you addled, like a hot Asian teen?"
The answer is simple. I am not saying that because I don't consider the current resident of the White House my Bush. That has nothing to do with it, although he is not my Bush. I don't care whose Bush he is. He is popular with conservatives, partly because he is a clean and well-shaved Bush. He is Ann Coulter's Bush. He is Mary Matalin's Bush. He is Katherine Harris' Bush. He is Dick Cheney's Bush. Since her interviews show her to be ill-informed, I am fairly certain that he is Britney Spears' Bush.
That's fine. To those people I say: "Have all the Bush you can handle."
What I want is a return to constitutional government.
It has amazed me, these past three years, to see how invested in mythology so many Americans are. After the theft of the 2000 election, and the protracted court battle that resulted in Bush Vs. Gore (The Dred Scott decision of modern times), most people have been content to sit back and accept it. Most people took one of these two positions:
1) "God intervened to save us from another Democratic administration."
2) "That was disappointing, but we'll get 'em next time."
It is the second of these two views that has troubled me more. It's just so rock hard to swallow.
Republicans like to entertain the illusion that there is such a thing as what they call "The Hollywood Elite." They point to a small cadre of outspoken liberals in the entertainment industry, and call them "scum." They do this because it helps them feel persecuted. Feeling persecuted is essential to the modern conservative cosmology.
To nurture this chimera, they ignore the fact that "The Hollywood Elite," like most liberals, reacted to our departure from constitutional government in 2000 in the shallowest ways. They complained, had a few drinks, then went out and got a hot facial. There was Barbra Streisand's hot facial, Susan Sarandan's hot facial, Whoopi Goldberg's hot facial and many others. I attended Halle Berry's hot facial, and I was especially disgusted by the cavalier way she wrapped herself in the false security of living in a republic, and sat there getting tea bags and a tossed salad.
People who were there tell me that Michael Moore's hot facial was an even more disturbing spectacle.
After the 2000 "election," we cannot afford to simply hope for the victory of principle in 2004. We cannot take refuge in the past knowledge that we can always remove bad leaders in the next election. Bush took that security away from us, and he will do it again if he has any chance at all. Ferdinand Marcos was not thrust out of the Philippines until he lost an election by such a huge margin that even he could not engineer another theft; another naked grab. Preprinted duplicate ballots making double penetrations into stuffed boxes could not save Ferdinand and Imelda's Asian asses. (I gave the people of the Philippines a hand. Job, himself, would have smiled.) That is what must happen this year if we are again to have a president who deserves the title; one who is actually chosen by the people. There is no place, anymore, for reliance on comforting dogma about the primacy of the Constitution, elections and "government of the people." The government has been turned over to a Gang. BANG, just like that! It must be taken back. Who does it is not very important, so long as they are legally elected. The last time wasn't even barely legal, which even girls gone wild, teen sluts and the voyeur down my street know.
Removing the usurpers would warm the huge cockles of my heart.
As I write this, I feel I need to take a break. This column is harder than any other has been to write. A hard column takes a lot out of me. I feel hot and wet. I really get my panties in a wad about this subject. It makes me pretty anal.
Some of you may think I'm a real jerk, offering complaints without alternatives, but this is what we have cum to in the United States.
The Bush administration is Beyonce the pale. It cannot be justified or redeemed. This fact stands out like Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts. Alternatives are of secondary importance. The threesome of Bush, Cheney and Ashcroft must go. Their entire circle, jerks all, cannot remain to further damage our country.
Find a copy of Ebony, snatch it, and shoo Rumsfeld out of Washington with it!
Band together with daddies, willing nurses, flashers, Carmen Electra, Pam Anderson, Howard Stern, busty school teachers, supermodels, Hungarian hookers, baby-sitters, lonely housewives, college chicks and nympho-lesbo-killer-whores!
Remain erect!
Now is the time for action! It's time for hard action, frenzied action, nonstop action, first-time action, young action, old action, lesbian action, midget action, wild action, Latina action, black on white action, tattooed action, front door action, back door action, gay action, animal action, cheerleader action, fatty action and hirsute action!
Now is the time for patriotic action! There's nothing obscene about that, no matter what our hit count is.
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