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Faulking Around - Jul 16, 2005 - Printable Version
- The News
by Down the Middle
The news is.......there is no news. It's all the same old crap being shoveled in the same old way. Michael Jackson walks, again. Ben Affleck FINALLY got married and Generalissimo Franco is still dead. {Well, maybe not. General Geogio Busto seems to have embraced his spirit.....but that's much too depressing to think about, right now.} I'm so sick of all this Media blather, I've quit watching the networks and I no longer pick up the "State Republican". If I want real news that's truly effecting my life, I go straight to the heart of great investigative journalism.......the small town newspaper's Police Report.
All small town newspapers, especially the "dailies" {which don't appear more than five days a week}, usually have...let's say, a lot of extra space to fill. It seems, half of the paper is advertising, half of it's "I donated to the project/handshake-check presentation photo opt/we built a tower of Babel while cheering on the local football team" thing...and the other half {as Yogi Berra would say} is how to grow a daisy, bake an apple pie and a photo opt with a local women's club. Somewhere near this "wealth of information", you will find the local Police Report. Now, the reading really gets interesting.......but before I share this "news" with you, I would first like to inform you that all names of people, streets and...uh, dogs {not to mention the other critters} have been changed to protect the innocent and the, uh... guilty, alike.
*1:33am looked for a barking dog reported in the 800 block of North Boulevard.
*7:59am investigated the vandalism of a police detective unit; all four tires had
been slashed.
*12:30am talked to people at the high school; they were just walking.
*7:27pm looked for a man wearing a trench coat and wearing sunglasses while
walking a dog.
*1:46am spoke to a suspected drunk driver at Main and Jefferson; the person was not
drunk but was delivering papers and dropped peanuts.
*10:58pm checked on a barking dog at Indiana and 6th Street.
*12:22am reported a fire in a bush at McDonalds.
*6:02pm told someone she could not have a pig in the city limits.
*7:28am picked up a dead opossum from the middle of the road.
*1:38am walked through Walmart.
*4:56am spoke with a suspected drunk walking in the 1100 block of West Main and found the man was sober
and walking to his sister's house.
*9:39am looked for a small gray car with a man in the trunk.
*4:31am arrested two sisters for domestic abuse of each other.
*7:38am were unable to catch a goat in the 500 block of West Campus Road.
*3:18am walked through Walmart.
*8:17am took a stray dog to the pound.
*7:36pm attempted to catch a goat reported in the 700 block of North 6th.
*9:20pm looked for a drunk driver at Kelly and 4th Street.
*9:54am unable to locate a blue pickup playing the stereo too loud.
*9:41pm unable to locate a wreckless driver at 4th and Franklin.
*12:12am unable to locate a drunk driver at Broadway and University.
*2:10am looked for someone at Main and Jefferson.
*1:35pm took a report about someone driving through a yard in the 200 block of Pine
about someone driving through another person's yard.
*2:10pm Contacted someone from Indiana who seemed a bit paranoid on Airport Rd; he
went on his way to Oklahoma City.
*12:43 pm were unable to locate a man reportedly staggering through a drive-in on foot.
*8:50am unable to locate someone shooting off fireworks or a gun in the 400 block of
West Jackson.
*10:24 looked for the possibly drunk driver of a red and silver pick-up.
*7:02pm looked for a walking drunk reported in the 300 block of West Main.
*1:54pm unable to locate a reported drunk walking in and out of traffic on Main.
*9:47am picked up a small dog in the 200 block of East Franklin and took it to the pound.
*9:25pm searched an area in the 100 block of University for narcotics but found none.
*1:24am checked on a suspicious person in the 900 block of North Kansas; it was his home.
*4:29pm someone told police about a couple with a child that allegedly smoke marijuana;
opened an investigation and forwarded a report to DHS.
*12:19pm talked to someone in the 100 block of East Main who had been drinking but was
not drunk.
*6:58pm a business owner in the 200 block of Main became concerned about a skeleton
hanging in the alley behind a business; it belonged to a neighboring business that had left
it out after moving other items back inside.
*2:02pm took a report from a woman who said two pair of thong underwear had been taken
from her home and found hanging from a vehicle mirror; a juvenile boy is the suspect.
*10:28pm unable to locate two girls pushing a car in the area of 8th and Berry.
*3:18pm couldn't find anyone in the 600 block of 6th Street.
*1:13am looked for someone behaving suspiciously at Elm and 4th.
*2:35am took a harassment report about a man reportedly stalking a woman enough to
make her nervous.
*10:18pm handled a fight between two adult sisters physically fighting in the 1800 block
of Pine.
*9:26pm walked through Walmart.
*7:58am picked up a dead opossum from the middle of the road.
*8:27pm spoke to someone in the 400 block of Franklin; he was not drunk.
*9:00am looked for a pit bull pulling a chain in the 5th and Monroe area.
*9:14am looked for a drunk driver near the 100 block of East Main.
*8:16 took a report about a dog that bit a pizza delivery person; the dog had the required
shots.
*6:34pm unable to locate a parking problem at the 600 block of University.
*3:10pm took an assault and battery report at the high school where the female victim
had swelling and reddened eyes; the female suspect wanted to know why the alleged
victim was talking bad about her; the alleged victim said she didn't know the girl well
enough to talk about her at all.
*8:49am picked up a cat at Cedar and Jefferson and took it to the pound.
*10:17am took a stray dog to the pound.
*11:41pm looked for someone behaving suspiciously in the 900 block of East Main.
*2:43pm looked for a Basset hound reported running free in the 200 block of Elm.
*8:56pm told someone in the 800 block of West Main to stop trying to hit cars with a
baseball bat.
*12:30am contacted someone looking into a car at Broadway and University; it was his
car.
*1:24am checked on a suspicious person in the 900 block of North Maple; it was his home.
*8:08am picked up a brown dog and took it to the pound.
*3:22pm a woman told police two men followed her around Walmart; when she was
checking out, they threw a $100 bill in her basket and left.
*1:31am a fight at the Cowboy Club broke up when police arrived to help.
*1:16pm talked to a man at 7th and Main; told him to stop poking his pocket knife into a
wooden pole.
*3:25pm checked on suspicious persons reported in the 300 block of North Jefferson; it
was cats fighting.
*3:57pm found no one in the 800 block of 7th.
*4:22pm looked for a walking drunk in the 300 block of North State.
*6:54pm checked on a walking drunk at the hospital; staff got him on a back board and
brought him out of the basement to check him out; were advised if they had more
problems.
*1:38pm took a harassment report about an ongoing dispute between two women. In this
case, the woman reporting the incident complained that the other had acted like she was
going to run the first woman down in the Walmart parking lot.
*4:28pm someone at the police department was having mental problems.
*9:49pm checked on a walking drunk; she was drinking a soft drink, not beer.
*4:47pm no marijuana was growing in a yard in the 600 block of East Cedar.
*3:19pm told someone to quit knocking on people's doors and ask for cigarettes.
*2:15pm walked through Walmart.
{and my all time personal favorite...}
*8:53am picked up a barking dong in the 700 block of Cypress.
I suppose I should mention the many "reports" that I excluded.......they just weren't funny. They were about police officers being called to do things that most of us wouldn't care to be involved in. As I always say, "There ain't nothin' better than a good cop.......and there ain't nothin' worse than a bad one."
I would also like to say, I find these "news" reports rather condescending of the poor and powerless, as I have noticed the "well-to-do" of the community don't seem to show up in this report, even when the "incident" is well known about town.......and if I were the police, I would probably find elements of these reports outright embarrassing.
From the top of Network News to the lowly, small town newspaper.......there ain't no news.
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