HOME
Message Board
CURRENT COLUMNS
- Editor's Corner
- Blogfest 2005
- Commentary
- Commentary Too
- Down The Middle
- Faulking Around
- Global Warning
- This guy walks into a bar...
- Investing 101
- Faulking Opinions
- Off The Rail
- Words
ARCHIVES
LINKS
CONTACT US
 | |||
Faulking Around - May 25, 2005 - Printable Version
- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.....I watched American Idol
by Mark Faulk
(Editor's note: In keeping with the American Idol theme for tonight, this article will contain only shallow, pointless drivel, with no entertainment value whatsoever. Enjoy.) Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I watched the worst 2 hours (it seemed like 20) of television ever in the history of the Universe. In fact, I think I can safely say that it was the worst 2 hours of television that will EVER happen, at least until the Rapture.
That's right, I watched.....shudder.....American Idol! Here are few thoughts that ran through my head as I lay comatose on the couch, horrified at the mind-numbing spectacle that unfolded in excruciatingly painful slow motion before me, but unable to move a muscle to escape it:
"God, I long for the 'Golden Age of Television': My Mother the Car, Gomer Pyle, you know, the days when shows meant something."
"Maybe, if I can just move my finger, I can dial 911 and someone will come and turn this crap off."
"Who needs xanax when you've got American Idol?"
"It just occurred to me....this is all a plot by Rupert Murdoch to lower everyone's IQ, and then we'll ALL be Republicans!"
"500 million votes cast for Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood, and only 120 million people voted in the Presidential election. Oh, my God, France is right! Americans ARE idiots. (alternate, "hip" version: Oh, my God, Green Day is right! Americans ARE idiots.)"
"What the hell is up with Simon Cowell's flat top haircut?"
"With rocker boy and country girl as the two finalists, they might as well just go for the total schlockfest and break into 'She's a little bit country, he's a little bit rock and roll' by Donnie and Marie Osmond" (Five minutes later, they did.)
"Rocker boy Bo Whateverhislastnameis is just a Lynyrd Skynyrd wannabe." (Five minutes later, Bo sang "Sweet Home Alabama"....with Lynyrd Skynyrd.)
"Oh shit, I could be a writer for American Idol."
"I wonder whatever happened to Donny and Marie Osmond? They were the REAL American Idols."
"This is worse than the Sonny and Cher Show.....Sonny was a better actor AND singer than these clowns.....and I just realized, they're using the exact same jokes!"
"Somebody shoot me now...please end it, I'll even write a letter saying it's a mercy killing. Just tell the jury I watched American Idol, and they'll acquit you."
"I wonder if I'll still be able to speak in complete sentences after.....um, what was I saying?"
"I can feel something warm and liquidy running out of my ears.....My God! It's my brains!"
And on it went, second after second, my life slipping away from me right before my very eyes.....the two hot female losers....excuse me, "finalists" singing a duet with Babyface, doing vocal runs that reminded me of Maya Rudolph on Saturday Night Live, except that she sings off-key ON PURPOSE!
I was on the verge of death, and then, they announced it.....Kenny G. was performing a song with the dorky blond loser guy contestant. Hey, I did my research. I asked my daughter Kelsey what the dorky blond loser guy contestant's name was, and she said, "I dunno. I ran in the other room." (Good for her.) I knew that this was it.....there was no way I could ever survive all this innane pop pablum AND three minutes of Kenny G. I dragged myself off of the couch with my last ounce of strength, and ran screaming down the hall......"Save yourselves!"
I took a shower and tried to regroup, looking back on the past couple of hours. To quote Michael Moore...."Was it all just a dream?" In all honesty, I don't know why I did it......some bizarre form of masochism, or maybe a self-inflicted punishment for some horrible past sin that I had committed. All I know is this: I'll never get those two hours of my life back, no matter how hard I try to project myself back in time (and believe me, I've tried).
My only hope is, when I'm lying on my deathbed, some incredibly hot twenty-two year old blond doesn't walk up and say, "You know, I was planning on sending you out in style, but since you wasted those two hours watching American Idol way back in 2005, you don't have any time left for me.....oh, and I brought along my best friend too. She's a gymnast. Gee, what a shame."
And then, with my luck, I'll die and go to hell, and have to spend all of eternity listening to......Kenny G.
Ooooh look, Carrie won! I just knew she was gonna win! And she's from Oklahome too! I mean....eh, who the faulk cares?
Forgive me, Father, I HAVE sinned.
Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post).