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Faulking Around - Dec 3, 2004 - Printable Version
- How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must)
by Sean Faulk
(Editor's note: I just received this rather disturbing letter from my nephew, Sean. I'm not sure what to make of it, but it appears that he has been brainwashed by some type of far-right neocon religious cult. As we speak (well, as I type), I am organizing an intervention/kidnapping. I'm in the process of contacting all the Faulking liberals in the family, packing up the VW van, and gathering supplies. Let's see: granola (check), tofu (check), medicinal marijuana (check), current issue of High Times magazine (check), leftover Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers (check), copy of Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 (check), 8-track tapes (check), and....what the!?!?!?! Dude, where's my bong? Hang on, Sean, help is on the way!) How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must)
After visiting your site I severely regret not stopping at one of 47 "neighborhood" Wal-Mart's in the 2 miles around my house and picking up that book by Ann Coulter, How to Talk to a Liberal (if you must). Because as farfetched as I thought this statement was (liberals, in Suburban Colorado? What's this?!) it turns out I am compelled to speak to one of your "kind". You tree hugging, anti-bush, nature loving, tofu/granola eating bastards.
I am appalled to hear this talk against my supreme leader Mr. Bush (heil Bush, America über alle!), how could you not love him? He starts wars! Everybody loves a good war for no apparent reason, at least I know I do. "Yeeeeehaw, lets go kill us some a-raaabs!" But, I stray from the real reason why you should love him. His laugh and his smile. You can't resist that diabolical chuckle and that village idiot smile.
You should really consider switching to the winning team, liberals ain't going anywhere. WE HAVE ALL THE MONEY. ALL THE VOTES (and yes the ones we got from messing with the computers count you silly liberal). ALL THE POWER. WE OWN YOUR SOULS. Muahahaha. Muahahaha... *cough* Excuse me that was the money talking. You know what they say, money talks, unless of course you don't have any. In which case you're one lonely motherfaulker. (haha, I shall slowly steal everything you own! Leave you with nothing! Not even a clever play on a last name that sounds similar to a cuss word! They're all mine!).
All I have to say to that small majority of what I call "lack-luster pitiful excuses for human beings" that have no money is, make real friends cause money ain't gonna be speaking to you. Damnation! Jeeve's where's my friggen coffee? What do I pay you for!? Excuse me I think I'll have to have my butler drive my Porsche to Starbucks (Which one should I go to, the one 3 feet to left of my house or the one that's 5 to the right? Or there's the one way up north a whole friggen ten feet!) and get me a Latte.
I'll make this brief, support Bush. Down with the environment. Up with war. I won't stop until there's not one oil well left un-drilled, not one tree still left standing, not an ounce of breathable air or drinkable water, not one local owned store still in business, and not one child left uneducated or un-drafted to fight a war against every single country. Good day good sir. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you.
Your Republican Friend
~Sean Faulk
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