HOME
Message Board
CURRENT COLUMNS
- Editor's Corner
- Blogfest 2005
- Commentary
- Commentary Too
- Down The Middle
- Faulking Around
- Global Warning
- This guy walks into a bar...
- Investing 101
- Faulking Opinions
- Off The Rail
- Words
ARCHIVES
LINKS
CONTACT US
 | |||
Faulking Around - Oct 6, 2004 - Printable Version
- FBI Response To Internet Scams: Don't Open Them
by Mark Faulk
In the beginning, there was the Internet. It was affectionately known as Cyberspace, and word of it's dazzling brilliance spread throughout uh..... well, Cyberspace. Cyberspace was a beautiful unexplored universe, teeming with a gazillion megabytes of information, all at your fingertips. Information like this: According to dictionary.com, a gazillion is "an indefinitely large number", and a megabyte is "a unit of computer memory or data storage capacity equal to 1,048,576 (220) bytes" or "one million bytes". Not too long ago (merely one millennium, to be exact), people had to get up out of their chairs, go into the study, look for their reading glasses, dig around until they found their (outdated) dictionary, and thumb through it until they located the word "gazillion", which wasn't there, because their dictionary is, well, really, really old (a gazillion years old, to be exact).
As I said, Cyberspace was a beautiful universe, but like all beautiful places, it wasn't long before some yahoos came along to dirty up the place, leaving their dirty underwear, old pizza boxes, and empty beer cans everywhere, until finally, it became almost unlivable.* In cyberspace, the yahoos were everywhere. They appeared in the form of deviants (of every size and shape) scam artists, and of course, the most despicable scoundrels of them all, mortgage lenders.
Since the internet was, and still is, rife with criminals and con artists, it seemed obvious that those who were in charge of cyberspace would want to clean up the dirty cyberunderwear, the virtual pizza boxes, and the empty computer generated beer cans. And, like all good hosts, they really did want to clean up their Cyberworld. Unfortunately, it was difficult to decide who actually owned Cyberspace, since it appeared to have been sublet to nearly everyone in the entire world, and no one wanted to get stuck with cleaning up the whole Internet when all they did was toss a few dirty clothes in the corner in their own virtual bedroom.
So, a vote was taken (this is, after all, still a democracy, despite the best efforts of our current administration), and it was decided that the responsibility of patrolling Cyberspace would fall upon the FBI, since they had done such a good job of protecting our country. And the FBI was up to the task, and began to arrest evil mortgage lenders throughout Cyberspace, and even picked up a couple of other con artists along the way.
And everyone in Cyberspace rejoiced, for they knew that they would be eternally safe in their...........
Okay, okay, I can't do this anymore. This isn't really a fairytale, and the FBI didn't really save the day. I just wanted to write a story with a happy ending, for once in my pathetic, woe is me, the world sucks, miserable life. But nooooo, I have to ruin it by telling the truth, because I've got "integrity", and I think I'm better then everyone else. If I'm so damn great, why am I sitting around writing this lousy article, instead of out partying with some hot twenty-one year old blonde babe on my arm? Well, actually, my wife could probably answer that last question better than I could, so never mind.
The truth is, I really do want to do something to better the world, even if it's only the make-believe world of the internet. So here is what I came up with: I decided that I would set up an online sting operation, catch an international syndicate of cyberconartists (look that up in your Funk and Wagnall....sorry, that should be "look that up on dictionary.com"), and write an exciting story on internet virtualespionage. See the pattern here? Just add "virtual" and "cyber" to any old word, and viola', you've invented an entirely new word, I mean a new "cyberword"**. And no, you won't find "cyberword" at dictionary.com either. Instead, they'll ask you if you meant "cyberworld", or maybe even "cyberwand", but they don't have "cyberword", that one's all mine. By the way, "cyberwand" is defined at dictionary.com as a "virtual-reality controller, which costs $99, or $765 with optional Polhemus sensor." And in case dictionary.com wants to add "cyberword" to their cyberdictionary, I define it as "any word pertaining or referring to the computer and Internet world and its virtual reality, the 'global village' of electronic communication; syn: see virtualword."
You know, it's amazing how far off the subject I can get and still just keep rambling as if I have something really important to say (which I don't). And since I don't even have a decent segue, I'm just going to just hit the return bar a couple of times, add a new heading, and start over. Ready? Here goes:
By Mark Faulk
For the past few weeks, I've been receiving scam "lottery winner" emails on a regular basis. Like most levelheaded cybersurfers, I've done the responsible thing and ignored them, carefully deleting them using my potential virus email "cyberwand", so that I don't get contaminated. But that was "before", before "it" happened, before my darkest fear was realized (well, not actually my darkest fear, that one involves flying monkeys with little red hats). As I was saying. . . . Then, one of my darkest fears was realized: A contributing writer from The Faulking Truth, Russell Tharp, made the fatal mistake of replying to one of the scam emails a few weeks ago, in a delusional attempt to transfer a large sum of money from "Sierra Leone" into his bank account, and promptly disappeared. Coincidence? I don't think so. Oh, it's possible (okay, likely) that he is passed out in some five dollar motel in Matamoras, Mexico, and has been swigging cheap Tequila for the past month, talking up the local senoritas, and calling them "Lily" at the most inappropriate moments. But that's another story, and not a very pretty one at that.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, I was getting ready to singlehandedly take down an international cybercrime syndicate. First, everyone has to promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone. It's a matter of National Security. Promise? Pinky swear promise? Okay, here's how it went down: First, I had to come up with a foolproof alias, complete with background and a believable identity. That part was easy. I am, after all, a professional writer. I settled on a couple of names that were totally natural sounding, but not easily traceable: Gertrude Faulkinstein and Morticia Snerd. Perfect. Then, I picked out two of the most recent email scams that I'd received, and got down to business.
Here was the first one (edited for length so that you, the reader, won't fall asleep while reading it), followed by my reply (excuse me, "Gertrude Faulkinstein's" reply):
Sept. 4, 2004 9:19AM
THE SPANISH INTīL LOTTO
PLAZA DE ESPAŅA, MADRID - ESPAŅA
E-mail: elgordodeprmtv@wanadoo.es
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER,
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT,
REF/TCKET NO.:42473
CLAIM FILE NO.: 2561000
ATTN: SIR/MADDAM,
RE: AWARD NOTIFICATION FINAL NOTICE
We are pleased to inform you of the release of the ELGORDO SWEEPSTAKE LOTTERY/INTER-NATIONAL PROGRAMS held on the 22nd April, 2004. Your name attached to ticket number 42473 with serial number /claim file number 2561000 drew the lucky number 16-23-36-39-41, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.
You are therefore been approve for the lump sum pay out of euros 1,547,000.87 (One Million Five Hundred and Forty Seven Euros Eighty Seven Cent.) in cash credit to the file REF: LP/256100042473/04. This is from a total prize of euros 38,696,000.75 share among the twenty five (25) International winners in this category.
CONGRATULATION! !!!!
To being your claim, please contact the issuing authority, your prize claim agent, Mrs. Hele Pere, (Foreign Service Manager) for processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Tel: +34 654 400 944 or send Email to: profsecurespain@netzero.com. Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than the 7th October, 2004.
Please remember to ask for your prize claim certificate.
Congratulation once again from all member of our staff and thank you for being part of our promotion program.
Best regards,
RAUL ALVARO MARTIN
And here's Gertrude Faulkinstein's reply:
Sept. 4, 2004 10:42AM
I am emailing you to request information on how to claim my award money in the ELGORDO SWEEPSTAKE LOTTERY/INTER-NATIONAL PROGRAMS. My ticket number is 42473 with serial number /claim file number 2561000. I drew the lucky number 16-23-36-39-41, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.
I can't believe that I won this prize, since my luck has been terrible this year. First, my daughter was kidnapped by insurgent rebels in Nicaragua, and has been missing since March. There are rumors that she has married the leader of the rebel troops, but I refuse to believe that, even though she has always liked the "James Dean" type.
Then, my husband was killed in a freak boating accident in the swamps of Louisiana. I won't go into the details of the accident, as it was rather gory, but let's just say it involved alligators and some guys who looked like the rednecks from the movie "Deliverance". Enough said about that.
Luckily, my husband's life insurance in the amount of $100,000.00 has helped ease the pain of his untimely demise.
One question: can I have the award money direct deposited in the same account as the one I have my life insurance money in? I'd rather not open another account, since they charge a $15 a month service fee at my bank.
Please let me know what I need to do next, as I am scheduled to go to Nicaragua to join the search for my daughter sometime in the next few weeks, and I would like to claim my prize before then.
Anxiously awaiting your reply.
Thank you,
Gertrude Faulkinstein
And here is the second email scam, the one that "Morticia Snerd" was hoping to "cash in on":
DE LA PRIMITIVA LOTTERY COMPANY
CALLE AROYO NO13, PISO 4G 28030 MADRID
ESPAŅA.
DATE: 28TH OF AUGUST 2004
FROM: THE DESK OF THE VICE PRESIDENT.
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD..
BATCH: EGS/ 22504002/03:
REFERENCE: 15/0018/IPD
AWARD NOTIFICATION.
This is to inform you of the release of the DE LA PRIMITIVALOTTERY held on the 26th August 2004.
The results were released on the 28th August 2004 Your name was attached to ticket number 185-01523370-100 with serial number 99375-0 that drew the lucky numbers of 06 20 25 26 3749, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.
You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay of Euros 850,000.39c(EIGTH HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND,THIRTY NINE CENTIMOSONLY) in cash .
This is from US $75,000,000.00 (SEVENTY FIVE MILLION US DOLLARS) in cash among the 26 participating finalist playing 6,000 full tickets.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your fund is now deposited with our corespondence bank and insured to the full amount in your name.
E-MAIL: (collinsmith_agency@yahoo.es)
Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than 30 SEPTIEMBRE.
CONGRATULATION!!!!! Once again from all members of our staff and thank you for being a part of our International promotions program.
We wish you continued good fortunes.
Sincerely,
MR ANTONIO GOMEZ
VICE PRESIDENT.
And Ms. Morticia Snerd's reply:
Dear Vice President Gomez,
I am emailing you to claim my award money from the DE LA PRIMITIVA LOTTERY. My winning ticket number is 185-01523370-100 with serial number 99375-0 that drew the lucky numbers of 06 20 25 26 3749, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.
This award is a true gift from Allah. I recently lost my son in a terrorist-related hunting accident. I warned him not to go snark hunting with Chilean guerrillas, but he never listens to me. Even though he once stole my Mercedes and took it on a joyride to Monterrey, Mexico, with two Las Vegas hookers, I still miss him.
Also, my husband ran off a few months ago with a stripper from Vegas, whom he met while looking for my son when he stole my car. You know what they say, like father, like son.
Then there was the brain surgery I had six months ago, but I have completely recovered from that, other then the odd habit I have acquired of occasionally repeating myself.
Then of course there was the brain surgery I had six months ago, but I have completely recovered from that, other then the odd habit I have acquired of occasionally repeating myself.
The only good thing that has happened in the past year has been that I won a settlement of $250,000.00 from my husband in the divorce, which I have deposited in the bank. It has sustained me throughout this entire ordeal.
One question: Is it okay if I have the award money deposited directly into the same account as my divorce money? I can send you the information on how to make the transaction.
Thank you again for your kindness and generosity.
Sincerely,
Ms. Morticia Snerd
Okay, the trap was set, and I was the bait. It was only a matter of time before they tried to reel me in.
Amazingly, they actual believed my replies were authentic. In less than a day, I received responses with detailed instructions on how to "claim" my award money. Lucky me.....I mean, lucky Gertrude and Ms. Snerd (wink, wink). I'll spare you the entire emails, but here is the information they needed before they could "show me the money". I'll just reprint the email to Gertrude, since Ms. Snerd's was surprisingly similar. Who would have thought it?
ATTN: Getrude faulkinstein(Mark faulkinstein),
Congratulation to be one of the lucky winners of the Elgordo De La primitiva
lottery, you are to fill the form attached below, scan it and send back to this
email so that your file will be properly assessed and processed.And also you
will attach the following requirements for identification:-
1, Your photo page of your international passport or any valid form of
identity for proper identification.
2, The professional security form attached below properly and carefully filled
and signed by you.
Best Regards,
Mrs. Helen Pere.
Marques de Vadillo, c/ Pico Cebollera, 28074 Madrid, Spain
Tel. +34 654 400 944
E-mail: profsecurespain@netzero.net
FROM:PROFESSIONAL SECURITY COMMISSION S. A.,REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT, HEAD OFFICE
DATA OF THE TITULAR
Name:
Occupation:
Telephone:
Fax:
Address:
State: Zip: Email:
BANK INFORMATION
Bank Name:
Bank Account Number:
Routing Number:
Bank Address:
Bank Phone:
Bank Fax:
City: State: ZIP:
NEXT OF KIN
Name:
Occupation:
Telephone:
Fax:
Address:
City: State: ZIP:
So, there you have it. All they need is Gertrude's passport, bank name and phone number, bank account number, routing number, and next of kin, and before you can say "Ed McMahon", she's rolling in the dough, or the euros, as the case may be.
I was so surprised that they responded at all, I wasn't sure what to do next. However, a quick Google search of "internet fraud complaints" led me straight to the top: the FBI. That's right, there's an online site to report internet fraud. This was my chance to roll with the big boys, maybe even get one of those honorary FBI badges like the one that Nixon gave Elvis oh so long ago. The mere thought sent shivers down my spine.
I rolled into action, donning my body armor, slicking my hair back, putting on my false mustache and glasses, slipping my heat down my pants ("heat" is FBI speak for weapon, by the way). And that was just so I could safely email the FBI, imagine what precautions I would have to take when the deal went down. There's that shiver again. No wait, it was more of a tingle that time. Either way, it felt good. Real good. Maybe too good.
I busied myself composing my email to the "Feds". An hour, four Coronas, and two valiums later, I was done. I steadied myself, focused on the slightly blurry computer keyboard, and hit send. Here is that email, unedited:
To: https://tips.fbi.gov/
Internet Fraud: I have a website (www.faukingtruth.com) that deals with subject matter pertaining to current issues in the news, some political satire and commentary. I answered two "internet lottery" emails that said I had won large sums of money, using a fictitious name, intending to write an article about the results. I was surprised to receive the forms to fill out to "claim my award", and now I am wondering if it is possible to catch these people, since they apparently believe that I'm a real potential victim.
I haven't responded yet, but since it just happened (one replied to my email on September 4, the other on September 6, just two hours ago), I would be willing to allow myself to be used as a set-up to catch these criminals. I am appalled that they would prey on those who believe their scams.
Please let me know if I can do anything to help stop even one criminal on the internet, it would be worth the effort.
Mark Faulk, The Faulking Truth
Now all I had to do was wait, and hopefully, not pass out while I was waiting. I chugged another Corona and popped a xanax. I didn't have to wait long. There it was, a response from the top, the FBI. My mind was racing, would I be asked to actually fly to Spain to set up the sting operation, or would they simply trace the emails back to the perpetrators and bust them while I kept them occupied by sending emails back and forth. The tingling was getting stronger, and more localized. I opened the email, and began to read:
Dear Mr. Faulk,
THIS IS NOT AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE
Thank you for your submission to the FBI Internet Tip Line. A review of the information you
provided revealed that you are being approached over the Internet to participate in an advanced
fee scam. There are several variations of the scam, using different names for the organization
sponsoring the lottery, but most claim to be in the Netherlands.
The United States Secret Service (USSS) has developed an excellent, detailed description of this fraud scheme, which can be accessed at http://www.secretservice.gov/alert419.shtml . If you have been victimized by one of these schemes, please forward appropriate written documentation to the USSS, Financial Crimes Division, 1800 G St., NW, Room 942, Washington, D.C. 20223, or telephone (202) 406-5850.
You do not need to forward the emails to us. If you have not, simply delete them from your computer. Also, if you know that you are receiving spam mail, it is advisable not to open them, because even if you do not reply, the sender has validated your email address. And, you may get other spam mail.
For your information, the Internet Tip Line was created on 9/11/01, in response to the terrorist attacks upon America. We quickly established a mechanism for the public to submit information to the FBI via the Internet. Our operation is completely automated and paperless. Submitted tips are received immediately, reviewed within minutes and prioritized by trained Professional Support personnel, and Agents set action leads within the hour, as appropriate.
We encourage you to share this information with your family, friends, and co-workers, and encourage them to not hesitate to submit information they may deem of interest to the FBI.
What the faulk? That's it? "Simply delete them from my computer"? That's how you guys stop internet fraud, by hitting the "delete" button? "Don't open them"? An $80 million a year budget and that's what you've accomplished? I offer to put my ass on the line for you guys, maybe even wear a wire, go undercover, and infiltrate an international espionage ring, and the best you can come up with is "we encourage you to share this information with your family, friends, and co-workers"? You guys suck. No wonder we screwed up the whole WMD thing with Iraq. If this is any indication of your expertise in dealing with internet fraud, I'm setting up my own cyberscam: The International Faulking Lotto.
I was stunned by the Federal Bureau of Investigation's lack of....investigation. At first I wanted to just give up my crusade to save the internet, but then, "Persistance" is my middle name. (Actually, it's not, that's just a figure of speech, but you know what I mean. Don't you?)
So, here's what I did: In an attempt to flush the scoudrels out, I composed one last email, and sent similar copies of the same email to both "lotteries". Here is a copy of that email:
Dear Vice President Gomez (if in fact that is your real name),
I am informing you that I am not really "Ms. Morticia Snerd", but am in reality Mark Faulk, an investigative reporter for The Faulking Truth. You have been turned in to the proper authorities, and if you look outside your door, you will most likely see that you are surrounded by a large contingent of international cybercops brandishing fully loaded cyberwands. Any attempt at escape is futile. In fact, if the cybercops haven't arrived yet, you would be better off just turning yourself in to the nearest authorities, as they will certainly be less harsh on you than the cybercops, who are known to brutally wand their captives into submission. Maybe you've heard of a little place called "Abu Ghraib". I think you get my point. Give yourselves up and no one gets hurt.
Mark Faulk
One more thing: one of our writers, Russell Tharp, has been missing for weeks, since he answered an email scam similar to your scam. If you know of his whereabouts, I would strongly suggest that you turn him loose immediately, as he is a distant relative of the Gotti family, a known Mafia family who deals harshly with those who might harm their own. Have a nice day.
I received no response to my last emails, not that I actually expected one. Is it possible that they turned themsleves in to the Spanish Policia, and were handed over to American authorities, who then exacted a little Abu Ghraib justice on them until they "spilled the beans", and squealed on their syndicate cohorts? Probably not, but the email address did mysteriously disappear shortly after I sent my final emails. I downed my last three Coronas and washed it down with a shot of Jagermeister. I slept like a baby that night, like a really drunk baby, content in the knowledge that while the FBI might have let the world down, I at least did my part to make Cyberland safe for future Cybersurfers.
So, that's my story. It's true, I didn't actually "singlehandedly save the internet", but it wasn't for lack of trying. If you get ripped off by an international lottery scam, just remember who's to blame for your misfortune. That's right, blame it on Elvis, and all his FBI buddies. And that's the Faulking Truth.
*In this case, "yahoo" refers to (according to dictionary.com) "a crude or brutish person" or "a lout", not "yahoo" as in "probably the biggest hierarchical index of the World-Wide Web". By the way, dictionary.com tells us that Yahoo also features ""What's New", "What's Popular", and "What's Cool" (that's Yahoo the hierarchical index, not yahoo the lout). I can only imagine how much more satisfying my high school years would have been, had I been able to look up what was new, popular, and cool on the internet some thirty years ago.
**"Cyberword" is a word invented and wholly owned by the author, and cannot be used in conversation or reprinted in any, way, shape, or form without written permission from the author. All applicable licenses, royalties, and usage fees apply. (Sidenote: Interestingly enough, "cyberword" is actually itself a cyberword. Whoah, that's deep.)
(Editor's note: Shortly after this investigation was completed, it was announced that Amit Yoran, Director of the National Cyber Security Division of the Department of Homeland Security resigned unexpectedly. We have no evidence that it was directly linked to our story, but it makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Also, The Faulking Truth would like to make it perfectly clear that although this entire story is true, the author was not actually drinking alcohol to excess and ingesting illegal drugs while writing it. He was, in fact, at least to our knowledge, boringly sober and straight.
Wait, we're not done yet. We would also like to make it clear that we don't really think that the FBI is doing a crappy job, in reality, we really like the FBI. Really, really. You guys are the best, America's finest. I know that's the slogan the Marines use, but those losers aren't even fit to carry your bulletproof jockstraps. In fact, our favorite movie is "The Untouchables". So please don't put us on your Cat Stevens Terrorist List, we have enough problems as it is.)
Voice your opinion on our message board (you don't have to sign up to post).