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Faulking Around - Aug 7, 2004 - Printable Version
- Paging Dr. Tharp
by Dr. Russell Tharp, Esquire
In Oklahoma, fortunes can change with the weather, and the weather is in a continual state of change. One second, the sun is shining and you're tanning yourself by the pool, and the next second you get struck by lightning (again). One day, you're building your dream house on the lake, and the next day a tornado deposits your house into the lake. Ouch. That's the story of my life. It seems like it was just last month that I was a world-renowned and universally-respected journalist penning witticisms for The Faulking Truth, when in reality, it was five weeks ago. It's amazing how distorted everything becomes when your very existence becomes an utter hell. As I said, fortunes can change with the the weather. One day I was sunning myself by the glow of my computer, typing away, the next day (or so it seemed), I was in rehab, and my editor was ridiculing me in print. Never mind that I had carried his third-rate online newspaper on my back, and that if it wasn't for me, he'd still be selling meat-on-a-stick to the tourists downtown during the lunch hour. And when he was living at the City Rescue Mission, guess who who gave him a spongebath and talked his wife and kids into taking him back? How quickly we forget.
Well, I'm back on top (no thanks to Mr. Fair Weather Friend Faulk), and suddenly, he's ready to jump back on the Tharp bandwagon one more time. At first, I just refused his calls and ignored his emails, and when he showed up outside my window singing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?", I turned off the lights and tried my best to pretend I wasn't home. But by the time he broke into the chorus of Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You up", I gave in. I opened the door and let him in, just to shut him up.
The truth is, I've outgrown Mark "I Can't Carry a Tune in a Bucket" Faulk, and I had to give it to him straight. He's still the whiney juvenile acting emotionally-arrested manic-depressive bipolar hyperactive hypochondriac he's always been, while I've matured dramatically and turned my fortunes around in the last month. I'm sorry, but that's the harsh reality of the situation. I'm busy bettering myself, and he's living in a tent in my front yard. It's time one of us let go, and Lord knows Mark "The Stalker" Faulk won't make the first move.
So, in all likelihood, this will be my last column for The Faulking Truth. I'm pretty sure the entire website will just whither up and die without me, but that's the breaks. Maybe this would be a good time for everyone here to follow your own dreams (if in fact you have any), and seek your fortunes elsewhere. Before I leave, I've decided to let everyone in on the secret to my newfound success, and here it is: there is unlimited opportunity on the internet.
I used to just delete the dozens of unsolicited emails I receive every day, fearing a computer virus, or maybe even a real virus that leaked out of my monitor and infected everyone in my neighborhood. But one day, when I was feeling particularly vulnerable, I did the unthinkable: I opened one. And low and behold, it was like God reached down through my mouse and grabbed ahold of my hand and said (in that booming Charlton Heston-like Godvoice we all know and fear): "RUSSELL, THIS IS YOUR TIME".
I have already taken advantage of this opportunity, but I hear that the internet is teaming with people trying to give a common man a break. My advice - hitch your wagon to one of these shooting stars and hang on tight. There's no telling where it will take you.
So, as a favor to you losers that I'm leaving behind, here is a copy of the email I received. Don't bother to respond to it, I've already cashed in on this free ride, and I'm just waiting for the payoff. I'm wired them all the necessary information, and I'll be checking my bank account balance tomorrow morning. I suspect I'll be in for quite a surprise.
Here it is, read it and weep, the next time you hear from me, I'll be sipping a Pina Colada with a little umbrella it in and listening to bad Jimmy Buffet impersonators in a beachside bungalow on the Florida keys, wearing one of those European-cut bathing suits that leaves little to the imagination. Jealous?:
DEAR FRIEND.
This business proposal to you is strictly confidential, with due respect. Sorry at this perceived confusion or stress may have receiving this letter from me, Since we have not known ourselves or met previously. Despite that, I am constrained to write you this letter because of the urgency of it. By way of self introduction, I am Mrs. alice Kobe, the wife of late Brigadier - Gen.Maxwell Kobe former ECOMOG ARMY COMMANDER [West African peacekeeping force in Sierra Leone] who died in the Sierra Leone civil disturbance [War]. My three daughters and I are trapped in obnoxious custom and traditional norms.
We have suffered maltreatment and untold hardship in the hands of my late husband's family, simply because I did not bear a male child [heir apparent] for my late husband. By tradition, all that my late husband had, [wealth] belongs to his brothers/family. And myself is to be remarried by his immediate younger brother which I vehemently refused. They have taken all that I suffered with my husband to acquire including treasures, houses and his bank particular seized by them. I wanted to escape to the abroad with my children on exile, but again they conspired and stole my international passport and other traveling document to further frustrate me.
Thank God, two weeks ago, I received Key Text Code from a Security Company in EUROPE, that my late husband deposited U.S $25.5 Million cash with this security company in ONE OF THE EUROPIAN STATE. It has therefore, become very necessary and urgent to contact someone, a foreigner like you to help me receive/secure these funds overseas in a reliable bank Account (presumably an empty Bank Account, if available) and to help invest it on our behalf as well, while we find a way of getting out to meet with you in your country.
These funds are kept on an "OPEN BENEFICIARY MANDATE" with the Security Company in EUROPE to avoid detection, seizure or diversion. I have had several telephone discussions with the Director of the security company in canada,who has express willingness to help me on meeting the company's demands. This is why I have contacted you to help save my children and I, receive these funds on our behalf. But, you would need to give me sufficient assurance that if you help me, you would not divert the funds.
My children and I have resolved to give you 20% of the total sum. This is all my children and I have got to live on.
Please, I have reposed my confidence in you and hope you will not disappoint me. I look forward to your urgent response, including your phone/ mobile No and also your fax no for easier communication.Also you can also mail me all correspondence in this private email box.
NB: The secret codes (e.g Pin No., Secret Access Code) for this fund are safely kept with me which I can give you as soon as you express desire to help me.
Stay blessed.
ALICE KOBE
Dearest Alice,
I am extremely interested in your offer. As a good samaritan, I would love to take your money, I mean, help you to transfer your money to my bank. One amazing coincidence: I have a good friend who served with General Maxwell Kobe in Sierra Leone, a man by the name of General Zuniga. He said he remembers you quite well, and seemed quite taken with your beauty. He asked if you would be interested in perhaps dating after you come here to live, after a proper grieving period, of course. Let me know about that, and what needs to be done next to transfer my (I mean "your", of course) fortune. Thank you for your kind offer.
Dr. Russell Tharp, Esquire
So, there you have it. After a life of bad decisions and even worse lifestyle choices (sorry, Mom, Dad, Bob, Stephen, Susan, Whitney, Zebariah, and well, everyone else I've ever met), it looks like God is finally giving me what I deserve in one life-altering event. Praise the Lord and Pass the Loot!
And to everyone here at the Faulking Truth: tell me your problems, and maybe I'll send you a couple of grand to fix them, kind of like a monetary Dr. Phil. Nah, screw it, I've got mine, you're all on your own.
Side note: Speaking of doctors, did you notice the "Dr." moniker that now precedes my name? I told you I turned my life around, and I wasn't kidding. I applied for my doctorate through the internet, for only $600.00 I'm now a Phd. See what I mean about there being opportunity in cyberspace? And as soon as the money from Alice clears the bank, I'm setting up a modest private practice in cosmetic surgery in the Keys. Need breast augmentation or liposuction? Look me up, just ask for Dr. Russell Tharp, Esquire.
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