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Commentary Too - Aug 18, 2006 - Printable Version
- Tampa Bay goes to the...oops, I can't say that
by Robin Buckallew
Curiouser and curiouser. Now I know I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, and come out on the other side. I’ve been hearing for so long about the war on Christians that somehow everything seems to be surreal anymore. I begin to believe anything. Could it be possible that Bill O’Reilly isn’t just engaging in hyperbolic spin (of course he isn’t – after all, he’s declared his show a no-spin zone, and if he was spinning, he couldn’t say that on TV, right?). Could it be true that there really is a war on believers in this country? Some of the things I’ve been hearing are just too wild not to be true, right? For one thing, there’s the ongoing attempt by Madeline Murray O’Hare to remove all Christian programming from TV. She’s so determined to accomplish this, she’s even willing to continue the fight in spite of having been dead for a decade. That’s dedication, folks. That’s REAL hatred. So, Touched by an Angel is gone, and it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that, after a long successful run of a popular show, it simply was time for it to go. Perhaps the ratings weren’t what they used to be, but no network would possibly cancel a show for such a lame reason, unless the non-believers forced them to out of misguided political correctness. Highway to Heaven hasn’t been seen for a very long time, and the fact that neither of the two stars is still alive couldn’t possibly be a good excuse for not making the show anymore. It had to be the non-believers, because otherwise, why would any show go off the air? The religious right is pressured on every side, unable to speak up in public, unable to get their message across – except, of course, for a few dozen television channels where televangelists sometimes are allowed to ply their trade, as long as they whisper it in a voice no louder than a sonic boom. Of course, I’m sure they’re only allowed to continue because those engaged in war against the Christians haven’t noticed them yet – the televangelists are a little shy and retiring, and not easily noticeable above all those shows screaming evolution at you everywhere you turn. By the way, did I just imagine that the religious right stepped up to the plate to hit a homerun by knocking out a TV show they didn’t like because it didn’t agree with their beliefs? Did I just imagine there was a show on earlier in the year called The Book of Daniel, which some people found offensive because it expressed views they didn’t agree with? I can’t be totally sure, because I never actually saw the show. I must be wrong, because it’s the non-Christians who want to foist their views on everybody else, and control what everybody else is watching.
Then, there’s the attack on Christmas. When was the last time you had anybody wish you a Merry Christmas? When was the last time you saw a decorated tree in a public place? When was the last time you drove down the streets of any town and saw where they had dared to put up lights and decorations on every corner? You say it hasn’t been since last December? My, how time flies. Wow, I think you’re right – I don’t think I’ve seen such a thing since last December either. Oh, of course, there was that Wal-Mart thing, where a major national retailer started having their cashiers wish everybody Happy Holidays (just in case you might be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Hindu, or Muslim, or Wicca). Then, when the good Christian community called to politely inquire why Wal-Mart was being so unfriendly, the person who answered the phone imprudently let slip the battle plan – they suggested that there might be some customers who weren’t actually practicing Christians, and they just wanted to include all their customers. No, this wouldn’t do. Wal-Mart had gone over to the enemy. They were MOCKING Christianity. They were actually assuming that somebody in this country might have the right to celebrate some holiday other than Christmas, and that somebody might show up in their store, ready to spend a little bit of money. This was WAR!!!! WAR!!!!! WAR!!!!! (Don’t forget the exclamation marks. You should never come to a war zone with insufficient punctuation). OK, so Wal-Mart backed down, and apologized. That battle was won, but just barely. Lots of walking wounded on that one.
Now, however, the war has gone too far. Every week, baseball scores on television and in the newspapers insult the good, God-fearing community by including the scores of a team known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. WHAT!!!! I can’t believe my ears. Wow, this is just too much to be believed! The DEVIL Rays, did they say? What if a Christian happens to live in Tampa or St. Petersburg, and wants to root for their home town team? How can they possibly do so, without risking eternal flames? The DEVIL Rays is just too much, and it is obviously just one more example of the war on Christianity. So, the Devil Rays are considering changing their name. Not this season, but by the 2008 season, which would give them time to select a new name, a new logo, get new uniforms, and get fully psyched for the new image. So, good-bye, Tampa Bay Devil Rays…hello, Tampa Bay Something Else’s.
So tell me, am I crazy, or has the world gone all pear-shaped? Is there any rationality to this at all? Just for the record, my friends, a devil ray is…a fish. A particularly spectacular fish (see picture here) Sometimes it’s known as a manta ray, sometimes a devil ray. It is weird-looking and somewhat spooky to divers, and it is a very good symbol for a team from Florida, where they happen to have a coastline, and they happen to be right next to an ocean. Oh, did I mention…devil rays live in the ocean? So, now the religious right is all hot and bothered about naming a baseball team after a fish. I find this particularly ironic coming from a group of people who worship fish so much that they pull them out of the ocean and force them to live on their bumpers. So, Earth to Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Randall Terry, Ralph Reed, and all those others who manage to score political points getting their followers all het up over trivial nonsense that has nothing to do with them: if you are so eager to fight a war, go to Iraq. No one here is your enemy. No one here cares if you worship, we’re all fine if you pray anywhere you want to. No one here wants to take your Bibles away. It’s your right, guaranteed to you by the First Amendment. There is no war. There are just a lot of hard-working, tax-paying American citizens of all persuasions, not just Jewish or Hindu or Muslim or Buddhist or Wicca or atheist, but also millions of moderate, sensible Christians who just want the same courtesy. The take home message to Christianity – the only ones who can stop the war are yourselves, because you’re the only ones fighting it.
It’s time for all the moderate Christians to quit shaking their heads in disbelief. We must do something. We’ll start small, with the Devil Rays. This is clearly the most ridiculous fight anyone has picked in a long time, and we need to stand together in a show of strength. If we let them win such a ridiculous battle, we will almost certainly lose the war, and Christianity will be totally consumed by its most radical and farfetched wing. The lunatics will then be running the asylum. Write to the editor of your local newspaper, write to the city of St. Petersburg, write to the owners of the baseball franchise. When they see there are more moderate Christians then there are zealots, and when they see that the moderates are actually finally willing to stand up for themselves and take Christianity back, we can do it. Let’s take our heads out of the sand, because standing with your head down and your ass in the air is a very vulnerable position.
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