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Commentary Too - Feb 19, 2005 - Printable Version
- What Women Want
by Robin Buckallew
Throughout history, there has always been a certain level of puzzlement and intrigue surrounding the question of what women want. This has been deemed a singularly important question by nearly every conceivable group. Men want to know what women want because men want women. Women want to know what women want in order to measure their own desires and passions against a yardstick of 'normal'. Children want to know what women want because, let's face it, the last thing children want is to make mommy unhappy. Marketers want to know what women want because they know women do the vast majority of the shopping. Everyone is interested in what women want. So, in recent years, we have been treated to a spate of movies, songs, books and magazine articles on this topic. They span the spectrum from right wing to left wing, from strongly religious to secular, and from male to female. No matter what the agenda, what the media or what the gender of the author, all these articles, books, etc., share one thing in common - every single one of them, without fail, is WRONG. You heard me, wrong. They do not even begin to scratch the surface of finding out what women want. Why? Because the one thing that is rarely done in these articles (most of which are actually philosophical treatises rather than scientific research) is to go out and actually ask women what they want (with the exception of a handful of 'personal testimonies' from women who look like themselves - middle-age, upper middle-class, white, and usually Christian). The one common thread running through these seemingly scholarly outpourings is that there is one common equation that will define woman. If you can simply find out what x and y are, you will have a one-size fits all definition of women's passions and desires. You will, in short, understand WOMAN. I want you to do something for me - watch the door, and observe the next five women that come into the room. One thing that is going to be immediately obvious from observing these five different women is that they are all noticeably different in appearance, shape, size and any other attribute you wish to name (unless of course, the next five women to walk in the door happen to be the Dionne quintuplets, in which case you may disregard this entire paragraph). They will walk differently, talk differently, and dress differently. Some will seek to be the center of attention, drawing all eyes in the room to them. Others may shrink down inside themselves, hoping to escape any notice at all. They are not the same. Their histories, their education, their interests, are bound to differ.
So, what other common thread do these articles and books usually share? They seem to follow the conventional wisdom that deep down inside, women want to be taken care of, to have children, and to please their men. No matter how intelligent, accomplished or important, eventually a woman's mind will turn to these things, and if she has not managed to achieve these goals, she will be miserable and unfulfilled. I have only one word for that thesis: PREPOSTEROUS. I have, in my entire life, met only one woman who actually fits the conventional wisdom being put forth about what women want - and I have always considered this particular woman to be somewhat unusual among women (I don't necessarily mean that in a positive way). I want to look at various themes in this overall trend one by one, and discuss them individually. Then, at the end of the article, I will tell you what women really want.
Theme 1: Women want to be cherished. This is usually an easy sell, as it is hard for most to imagine who wouldn't want to be cherished. The truth? Some women do want to be cherished. Some women prefer to be respected. Others prefer to have a deep, truly abiding love that accepts their flaws and doesn't put them on a pedestal. A lot of women simply want to be left alone. Being cherished is an enormous responsibility for a woman to have to shoulder. In truth, very few women really want to be "cherished". They prefer to be loved. They definitely prefer to be appreciated.
Theme 2: Women want to be taken care of. This is a very effective theme in most of the religious right literature, and most of the middle class, middle age white male literature. It effectively reduces the woman to a role of dependent child. It leaves the feeling that women, even if they are able to take care of themselves, are not particularly motivated to take care of themselves. Many of you who know strong independent women will recognize that not only are some women not being taken care of, some of them even get downright angry and apoplectic when you try. Think of Katherine Hepburn. Think of Julia Roberts. Think of Hillary Clinton. Do any of these women strike you as women who spent their life looking for someone to take care of them?
Theme 3: Women want someone to take care of. This is a particularly interesting theme, because it seems contradictory of theme 2, and is nearly always offered up in the same articles with theme 2. So, which way is it? Do women want to be taken care of? Or do they want to take care of others? It seems both. They want to spend their life waiting hand and foot on their children, and on the husband who is 'taking care of' them - translating into husband takes care of financial security, wife takes care of food on the table (which she can only manage to put on the table because husband is taking care of his part). This theme is bolstered by a myth that woman is somehow more inherently nurturing, loving and caring than man. This manages to come out in terms that render it insulting to both man and woman. Man is positioned at the brute end of the spectrum, unable to put aside his aggressive animal nature long enough to nurture and support those he is 'taking care of'. Woman is positioned at the emotional end of the spectrum, unable to transcend the pull of her silly heart strings to approach the world in a rational, thinking manner. She will instinctively reach for something to love and to cherish, to diaper and feed. In reality, I have never seen a single study that has convincingly separated this tendency from its cultural baggage to truly demonstrate that it is inherent. And I have known far too many women who fail to find this nurturing aspect in themselves, no matter how hard they try. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have been fortunate enough to encounter many men who fail to live up to the brute label. It is not unusual to find a male who is more nurturing and caring than his female partner (though this is often taken as clear indication of homosexuality, I can assure you that there is no evidence to support the hypothesis that this personality is tied to sexual orientation).
Theme 4: Women want children, and have a biological clock that will torture them if they don't produce offspring. There is some level of truth to this. I myself have felt the biological clock ticking, and at the time considered whether I should have a second child. I chose not to. The feeling passed. I was fulfilled and content with my life as it was, and did not require a child to complete me. Women do not need a child to be a complete person. In fact, a woman who does not feel complete in herself will not be likely to feel complete even once she has a child. This I find one of the cruelest myths of all, tearing apart both the mother and the child, as the child will over time come to blame themselves when they realize their mother is expecting something from them that they have not been able to give. The support for this myth is often given in the personal testimonies of upwardly mobile professional women who put off having a family until their career was established. They will bitch and moan for hours on end about their biological clock and how their career has gotten in the way of their happiness and fulfillment. I have no doubt that this is true - for those women. But what about the personal testimonies of the women (and there are many) who have chosen the childless life, have pursued a career successfully, and find themselves happy and fulfilled, with no regrets? Why is their testimony not given to balance out the hysterical, guilt-ridden angst of the unhappy woman who has become a slave to her biological clock? Because it does not fit the story being told. It does not serve the purposes of the storyteller. Yes, we may feel the pangs of a yearning for children - this seems perfectly normal biologically. But it is the cultural importance that is being placed upon this urge that is turning perfectly ordinary women into guilt-ridden angst machines.
Theme 5: Women who give up their career and stay home to take care of their children have a happier, more richly satisfying life than their counterparts who work outside the home, and their children are happier, healthier and more satisfied. For a total refutation of the second part of this, the happier children, one need only observe the Baby Boomers. It can truly be said that the Baby Boomers are the only generation who had a PTA-attending, carpool-driving, cookie-baking mom as the common standard. Mothers in the 1950s and 1960s had enough leisure from all the labor-saving devices to pour themselves whole-heartedly into their children and their husband. And the Baby Boomers have grown up to be one of the most miserable, unhappy, neurotic and angst-ridden generations that have ever graced the planet. We have spent hours and years in therapy and group counseling sessions, we have made Prozac a household name, and we have spent so much money on self-help books that we could have paid off the national debt. Our mothers, left with only the foolish nattering of small children to stimulate them intellectually, turned to charity work and bridge clubs just to get the benefit of some adult conversation. It is interesting that, while June Cleaver and Donna Reed were being held up as the gold standard of happy, fulfilled motherhood, most of us were looking at our own mothers and our own families aghast, wondering why we were so abnormal (I'll give you a hint - most of us weren't - it was June Cleaver and Donna Reed who were abnormal). In our determination not to follow our mothers into that suburban hell, our group were burning bras and demanding equal opportunities. We were asking to be loved for our minds, not just our bodies. Now, a generation after we rose up, we are giving up? What's that all about?
I promised you that I would end up the article by telling you what women want. It's very simple - women want many different things, and there is no one simple equation to tell you what women want. You want to know how to treat a woman? Try talking to her, getting to know her. Over time, you will discern (if you are paying attention) what that particular woman wants. But beware. If you should by chance break up with that woman and move on to the next available babe, don't assume that you can do all the same things over again. This woman will be different (even if they are both Dionne quintuplets). She will bring a different history, a different education, a different perspective into the relationship. But don't despair - she will be going through the same sort of thing with you. Because, in spite of the stereotypic reduction of man to the sofa-sitting, beer-drinking remote-control manipulating couch potato, men also are individuals, with individual desires and individual tastes. There is no one equation to describe what women want, and there is also no one equation to describe what men want. That makes the world beautiful, challenging, exciting and adventurous. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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