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Commentary Too - Dec 26, 2004 - Printable Version
- Lights Out
by Robin Buckallew
Why are we so afraid of the dark? It would seem illogical, since in truth we are much more vulnerable in the light. Most mammalian species, in fact, thrive in the dark, knowing they are safer from predators with good eyesight that are unable to see them as they scuttle about their business, clothed by a blanket of darkness. But humans are afraid of the dark. We are afraid, we say, of danger we cannot see. I suppose at some level this is to be expected in a species that relies on eyesight as the main method of navigation and information. But our main predator (ourselves, of course) also operates on good eyesight, and we would seem to be protected by the darkness which keeps them from receiving information about our whereabouts. So why are we so afraid of the dark? In the dark, the true dark, not the artificially lit pseudo-dark that most of us live in, we are truly vulnerable to that one thing we are more scared of than anything else - the human mind. You see, our own worst enemy is our most celebrated characteristic. In the dark, we are alone inside ourselves, and we are aware of ourselves as never before. In the dark, often all is silence, the loud cacophony that usually surrounds us shut off, at least temporarily. But most of us choose not to be alone in the silent dark, and so our nights are filled with neon and noise. Headlights and streetlights and stoplights pierce the darkness. Neon flashes its pretty, inviting warmth, beckoning us to where there is light and noise and other fearful souls such as ourselves. And we cannot see. We cannot hear. We hide in plain sight. Because that celebrated human brain gives us one characteristic that has not yet been demonstrated by any other species - self-awareness of a frightening degree. We know who we are. We know we are separate from others. And we have the ability to think abstractly about such deeper questions. That is why we are afraid of the dark. Because we cannot hide from ourselves. Yes, that is the one person we are most afraid of - ourselves.
For many years, I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of being alone, even in the light. All my years growing up, I had been led to believe there was something wrong with me. I wasn't good. And God could see that I wasn't good. Santa Claus could see that I wasn't good. Even though it might not be readily apparent to anyone else, it was apparent to the powers that be. Then, suddenly, in my late 20s, I was forced into a situation where I was alone most of the time. Both in the light and in the dark. I had never been truly alone before. I was alone with the most frightening person in the world - myself. I perceived myself in great danger, and continued to hide where possible. Oh, my God, turn on the TV! Get that radio on, loud! Surround yourself with speakers, woofers and tweeters in full voice. Hope to God the telephone rings before long. So, the sound continued. The night light for the real darkness. The white noise machine. I could lock the outer door against everyone else, but I couldn't shut out myself - I kept finding that I was alone in a room with me. Darkness, silence, solitude - all things that should be peaceful, but were instead quite terrifying.
Not anymore. I have not been scared of the dark for nearly a decade now. You see, eventually the TV failed to satisfy. The radio became jarring, and had to be turned off. The white noise machine no longer worked its spell, and the nightlight went out. It was just myself, the moon, the stars, and my own demon-filled mind. For the first time in my life, I stared into the face of the demons I had wrestled all my life with. And you know what I saw? They weren't demons at all. They were just confused little thoughts, scared little imps. There were no deep, dark slimy bad things in my soul after all. OK, I wasn't a saint, no Mother Teresa, no Thomas Aquinas. I found out I was just an ordinary, confused and frightened, unhappy human being. Sort of normal. Sort of quirky at times. Just like everyone else. Neither bad nor good, just.human.
Now I no longer fear the darkness. Indeed, I long for solitude from the unrelenting noise that the world is making around me. I long for nothing more than seeing the stars and hearing the crickets singing as I dream and dally. I need to get away at times, to refresh my own being, and remember who I am. For many years, I allowed others to define me. I fit myself into the mold that others shaped for me. I dared not dream, as dreams were frightening and elusive. Now, I embrace my dreams. I embrace my solitude that helps to remind me who I really am. There are still a myriad of forces out there trying to mold me, to shape me into some sort of "normality", fit me into some sort of pigeonhole. But I have found that I have quirky little bumps and ridges all over my soul and my mind that don't allow ease of fitting. And that's all right. Non-conformity is nothing to be scared of. Of course, it is easy to say that your demons are more frightening, not just little imps, but big dark devils. You might think that your thoughts are truly bad, your soul is really unclean and unhealthy. You might be terrified of the dark, of the quiet. But, just remember, that is what I thought for a very long time. I lost a lot of years to those dirty little demons that didn't even exist. And my greatest regret is all those years I was afraid of the dark. So go ahead. Turn the lights out. Turn off the TV, the radio, the noise machine. Be alone with yourself for an hour. Perhaps you'll make a brand new friend. At the very least, perhaps you'll quit being your own worst enemy. Remember, there is nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light - the only thing that changes is what we are able to see.
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