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Commentary Too - Nov 4, 2004 - Printable Version
- You Might be a Dubya Supporter if...
by Robin Buckallew
The last couple of days, I have been having this recurring nightmare that Dubya won 51% of the popular vote in this election. I wake in a cold sweat, thinking thank God it was only a nightmare. The American people could never be fooled by such a man. We have access to public libraries with books and magazines galore. We have several hundred TV stations and thousands of radio stations to give us information night and day, so we can easily sort out truth from falsehood. We have a myriad of public universities and think tanks whose job it is to keep us educated and informed about the issues. And yet.... Do you ever have a lingering worry that you might be a closet Dubya supporter? That you might, deep down inside, have voted for him subconsciously while pretending you were voting for the other guy (what’s his name again? I’m having trouble remembering). Well, I have been reading lots of articles lately based on polls of what beliefs are held by Dubya supporters, and I have been talking to a lot of Dubya supporters (not the closet kind, but the openly flag-waving, Bible-toting supporters). And I have compiled a list that will help you determine if you are, indeed a Dubya supporter.
You might be a Dubya supporter if....
· You watch Fox news as your only source of information.
· You find yourself saying “ditto” to Rush Limbaugh
· You believe the majority of the rest of the world is staunchly behind Dubya
· You believe Dubya “earned” an MBA from Harvard
· You think dissent is unpatriotic and unAmerican
· You think the only amendment in the Bill of Rights is the second amendment
· You believe the 9/11 commission said the administration had no warning whatsoever that someone might attack on American soil
· You believe the 9/11 commission said that Saddam Hussein was instrumental in the attack
· You believe that we found WMDs in Iraq
· You believe Saddam refused to allow the weapons inspectors in the country
· You believe draft evaders were bravely fighting the Vietnam war (from Alabama) and folks decorated with the Purple Heart weren’t
· You believe the above doesn’t apply to Bill Clinton
· You believe Dubya bravely and resolutely led the nation on 9/11
· You believe going shopping is an appropriate response to terrorist attacks
· You believe you can liberate people by killing them
· You believe we are reconstructing Iraq
· You believe national health insurance is a good idea for Iraq, but a bad idea for America
· You believe capturing Saddam made the world safer
· You believe Dubya supports the International Criminal Court
· You believe modulating your opinions in the face of new evidence is “flip-flopping”
· You believe standing your ground even when the evidence is against you is being consistent and strong
· You believe creationism is based on the best science
· You believe teaching kids sex education will increase teen promiscuity and pregnancies
· You believe criminalizing abortion will make it go away
· You believe the WTO and IMF are actually making things better in Third World countries
· You believe sending American jobs overseas is actually creating more American jobs
· You believe working women are the cause of all the world’s woes (except on those days when all the world’s woes are caused by Affirmative Action, public education, welfare, or separation of church and state)
· You believe the founding fathers were bible-beating fundamentalists who intended the country to be run by the Christian church
· You believe America is God’s chosen country
· You believe gay marriage will destroy heterosexual marriage, and lead us all to marry our pets
· You believe guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but deny that people with guns kill more people
· You believe the NEA is a terrorist organization
· You believe the NRA is not a special interest group, but the EPA is
· You believe Dick Cheney sold all his interest in Halliburton
· You believe black people have all the good jobs
· You believe black people are the only ones on welfare
· You believe black people keep having lots of kids to get more welfare
· You believe 2% of scientists disputing global warming constitutes “major” disagreement in the scientific community
· You believe a little global warming is good for you, anyway
· You believe there is enough oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) to significantly reduce our dependence on foreign oil
· You believe drilling in ANWR will destroy only a few acres
· You believe using more oil will creates larger oil reserves
· You believe that Dubya favors the Kyoto Protocol
· You believe in the drug war
· You believe public education is less effective and more expensive than turning education over to market-based capitalists
· You believe Jesus was a market-based capitalist
· You believe segregation can create schools that are both separate and equal
· You believe there is no segregation anyway
· You believe all people who disagree with you are Pinko Commie Liberals
After taking this test, if you answered “AMEN!” to more than three of the above list, you could be a closet Dubya supporter. But don’t despair. There is a place for you in the New World Order. You could be well on your way to a top job in the housecleaning or food service industries (about the only jobs they haven’t yet figured out how to ship overseas).
But, I comfort myself with the knowledge that it was all a dream. There is absolutely no way Dubya could ever beat John Kerry in a fair fight
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