Commentary Too - Sep 6, 2004 - Printable Version
- School Just Ain’t What It Used to Be
by D.E. Neighbors A long time ago, about a month or so after cuneiform script was invented, it was a lot easier to be a university student. All we had to carry around were our styli and a few beeswax tablets to do our homework on. Zeroes hadn’t been invented yet, and neither had calculus, so math was a cinch, though astrology was a bit of a bear.
One thing I don’t remember from way back when is the little boxes wearing the legend “CAMPUS TRIAL PAK” that emitted from large cardboard boxes to rest on a nearby table (or tables) to be stuffed into the hands of a new or returning student whose reflexes are too slow to allow him or her the opportunity to refuse. I picked one up, marked “for him,” lacking the cojones to find out what the difference was between the his or hers varieties. My CAMPUS TRIAL PAK (I don’t want you to forget that the name item’s name is in bold, capital letters) sits next to me as I type.
It looks like a cheap cardboard representation of SpongeBob Squarepants. On various places on the box (those parts that don’t read CAMPUS TRIAL PAK or “for him”, anyway) I can see:
“The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie.” Oh, no. The TV show isn’t enough? I confess I only sort of like the show.
“ONLY IN THEATRES NOVEMBER 2004.” Phew . . . I was afraid it would be in theaters for a longer time than that.
“BIGGER. MORE ABSORBENT.” What???? Does this little box have a Depends sample in it?
“WARNING: THIS PACKAGE AND ITS CONTENTS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE FOR DISTRIBUTION TO CHILDREN.”
Now THIS I gotta see!
Well, now. The first visible item in the box is a package of ramen noodles. Yep, I can definitely see why you’d want to keep THAT away from kids. Hmmmm….. Now this is interesting: A sample each of Dayquil and Nyquil. Is one the antidote for the other? What’s next? Oh, goody. A sample of “Clearasil for Men Energizing Acne Scrub,” with the obligatory coupon. I could almost use that, since my face has never realized I passed through puberty decades ago. Okay, there is still something in the box.
Egad! It’s a picture of a woman I would never want to have sex with on a recipe card sized advertisement for Trojans. “Bring Your Own Trojan?” No thanks, I don’t think I’ll be needing one.
Hey! It’s a neat coaster! No, wait …… It’s an AOL 9.0 CD. Oh, wait ….. I use those for coasters. That’s why it looked familiar.
Hmmmm…… I’m not done yet. Heck, this is better than junk mail. “SPRING BREAK BAHAMAS PARTY CRUISE!” Oh, yeah. My wife is going to let me do that.
Aha! The bottom of the box has finally been located! Just one more package of advertisements sealed in cellophane (for freshness or for my protection, I’m not sure which). Advertisements. I am SOOOOOO not surprised! “Save up to 85% on over 600 magazine titles!” Do these people not realize that once school begins there is no time for recreational reading? It does warm my heart to know, however, that the offer is “EXCLUSIVELY FOR STUDENTS AND EDUCATORS!”
A coupon for Campbell’s soup. Woohoo.
Ahhhhh! A CREDIT CARD offer! Gee, I’ve never seen one of those in my daily junk mail or Internet spam! What’ll they think of next? 0% APR? Oh, wait….. They already did.
Oh goody. Another ad for something to clear up my acne. Yeehaw.
Well, at least I can eat the ramen.
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