(Editor's note: I stole this one from MySpace)
On the eve of my son's graduation from Oklahoma State University, I thought I'd explain one of my old drawings that I've posted here (and by "old" I mean older than most of the people on MySpace). I realize that this piece isn't too celebratory, but him "leaving the nest" for good has given me cause to reflect on my relationship with my own father.
This drawing is called "Life With Father"
First of all, this is a really crappy photograph, I basically held it up in front of my iMac and took a picture of it, so it's all blurry and lacks detail. Trust me, it's a much better piece in real life.
Now, on with the probing self-analysis of my innermost thoughts...when I was 22 years old. Sadly, I haven't changed all that much since then, at least on the inside, so those of you who are waiting for some incredible spiritual or emotional growth, or some life-altering awakening that comes with age....forget it. At best, you can lose a few of your worst habits, master the art of hiding some of of your other bad traits, and learn from your mistakes after the third or forth try....which doesn't do you a bit of good because mistakes, like the universe, are infinite. You'll never learn enough to not run headlong into another one lurking just around the corner.
Live with it...all in all, life isn't nearly as bad as you make it out to be on your worst days, nor is it usually as magical as those rare moments of perfection that happen when you least expect it.
Okay...."Life With Father"
This drawing was done in 1978, five years after my parents divorced. It was, like most of the pen and ink drawings I did, a "stream of consciousness" work of art, meaning that I simply put the pen to the paper and let it go, without any prior thought as to what subject, composition, or even emotion I was hoping to convey in the finished product.
This one was basically my feelings about my father captured in a freeze-frame snapshot of my subconscience, a snapshot which I can easily relive just by thinking about it. In simple terms (although there are never simple terms when it comes to pain and loss, especially through the eyes of a child), it represents my father trying to play the role of "daddy" to his kids, even though he was never really that good with it even when my parents were together. The drawing is my mental image of a time period where he was supposedly "off on business" (which I later learned meant in rehab for his drinking problems). I was twelve at the time, and he used to come see us one the weekends, and take us to the park. I have five brothers and sisters, and the six of us would, each in our own uncomfortable way, try to bond with our father....and fail miserably.
The figure in the foreground is my father, wearing a mask to both hide his true flawed identity and to assume the role of father, and carrying balloons to....I guess to attempt to either buy our acceptance or as a peace offering of sorts. His unhappiness and sense of not feeling uncomfortable in his own skin is obvious. In fact, I'm not sure he ever felt comfortable in his own skin up until the day he died. That makes me sad.
The tunnel...it represents distance and a thread of connection at the same time. We're miles apart, but we still want to hear or feel something.....anything, to connect us to our father. If you could see the small drawings of the children in the background (which you can't in this poor rendition, I'm sorry to say), you would see the six of us, each in our own world, dealing with the disconnection in our own way - one sister sitting playing with her doll, in a world of her own making, another one assuming the role of caretaker for her siblings, forced to become an adult long before she should have had to, and so on and so on.
And if you look really closely, you can see one child sitting on the edge of the cliff overlooking the trees and his other siblings below...watching quietly, and most likely internalizing and analyzing it way too much, wondering why things happen, and why they can't be different, and what he or anyone else involved could have done differently to "fix" everything...to make it okay.
That child is me.
Whew....this is harder than I expected. Anyway, that's pretty much it, a 50 year-old father of three looking back at a drawing by a 21 year-old analyzing his own feelings at the age of 12. It's amazing how easy it is to do, and how close to the surface the feelings still are. I guess, on the eve of my son's college graduation and symbolic entry into the adult world, I can only hope that I've been a better father to my children than my father was to his. At least I want to think that I've given it my best shot, and that the tunnel between my children and myself isn't as great a distance as the one that existed between the generation that proceeded them, and the one before that, and (as always) on and on and on. And I hope that their mother and I have adequately prepared them for the long road ahead of them, and given them the strength, and the wisdom, and the desire to love life and live it to the fullest.
In the end, that's the best that any of us can hope for....and that's reality.
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Blogfest 2005 Archives:
Keep on Blogging in The Free World (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
"It's the Issues, Stupid" (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
Is Bush a girly-man? (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
"I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?" (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
"We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again" (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
Vacation....Had to get away (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
How Long Can You Tread Water? (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
"Give the People What They Want" (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
Home on the Range..... (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
Peace Kills (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
A Tale of Two Psychos (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
The Faulking Truth Gone Wild (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
"Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of" (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
Confessions of.....a Christian (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
Seven Degrees of George W. Bush (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
Dear IRS...... (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
What Democracy Means to Me (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
"I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day" (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
"THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!" (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
The Poor get Poorer..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
Refinancing your home the 'hard' way..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
Pope Dies of old Age (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now! (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
How I Spent my Weekend (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
Four Dead in Ohio (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
Some Mother's Son (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
"lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!" (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
The Man on the Crane (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet? (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
And now....Page two (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
Praying for a Miracle (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
Send in the Clowns (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
"What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!" (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White) (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
They're Trying to Wash Us Away.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
"Not Acceptable" (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.) (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo? (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT! (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
George Talks to God..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
For the Greater Good..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
Coalition....What Coalition? (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
Confessions of a White Gentile (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
The World Just Got A Little Less Funny (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
MySpace is the Devil (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
Desecrating Christmas (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
On Kurt Vonnegut..... (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
Taking it to the Streets (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
Desecrating History (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
Congress Uses "C Word" (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts? (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
Emotional Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
MySpace is the Devil (Redux) (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
Confessions of Part Time Hit Man (Mark Faulk, Jun 5, 2006)
“The Anatomy of a Rumor” or “I’ll Take the Kool-aid” (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2006)
"ALL INVESTORS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS" – SEC eliminates integrity in the stock market (Mark Faulk, Jul 6, 2006)
Everybody's a dreamer and everybody's a star (Mark Faulk, Jul 24, 2006)
It Wasn't the Planes that Killed King Kong.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 4, 2006)
Forget the Mideast, it’s the Midwest uprising Bush should worry about (Mark Faulk, Aug 28, 2006)
Blame it on the Full Moon (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2006)
How Low Can They Go? (Mark Faulk, Nov 2, 2006)
Truth in the Booth...Live on CFRN on Nov. 17th (Mark Faulk, Nov 16, 2006)
Life WIth Father (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2006)
Thinking Voyager 2 Type Things (Mark Faulk, Jan 16, 2007)
so simple in the moonlight.... (Mark Faulk, Feb 20, 2007)
Promises, Promises….Take a Letter!!! (Mark Faulk, March Mar 19, 2007)
CMKX The Train of Truth (Mark Faulk, April 10, 2007 )
Gonzo Radio....or.....when all else fails, blog it!!!! (Mark Faulk, June 16, 2007)
Observations on the Way Home (Mark Faulk, August 5, 2007)
The Idiot’s Guide to the Electoral Process (Mark Faulk, Feb 8, 2008)
MAPS for Millionaires or “Daddy, buy me an arena” (Mark Faulk, Feb 29, 2008)
Dear Hillary: When the race is over, it's over.... (Mark Faulk, Mar 10, 2008)
“We come for your children” – The Truth About the Gay Agenda (Mark Faulk, May 2, 2008)
Savior Hillary (Mark Faulk, May 20, 2008)
This is me in fragments...enter at your own risk (Mark Faulk, Jun 30, 2008)
Silver State Bank: What’s Deposited in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas (Mark Faulk, Jul 30, 2008)
John McSame’s Campaign to Nowhere (Mark Faulk, Sep 12, 2008)
Change has come to America (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2008)
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