Blogfest 2005 - Feb 5, 2005 - Printable Version
- What Democracy Means to Me
by Johnny Carson "What Democracy Means to Me"
by Johnny Carson
The Tonight Show
11 September, 1991
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship — 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto — usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you.
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(Editor's note: This is an entry from The Faulking Truth blog, ingeniously entitled "Blogfest 2005". If you'd like to spend more of your valuable time blogging, go to www.faulkingtruth.com/blog/ )
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Blogfest 2005 Archives:
Keep on Blogging in The Free World (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
"It's the Issues, Stupid" (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
Is Bush a girly-man? (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
"I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?" (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
"We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again" (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
Vacation....Had to get away (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
How Long Can You Tread Water? (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
"Give the People What They Want" (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
Home on the Range..... (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
Peace Kills (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
A Tale of Two Psychos (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
The Faulking Truth Gone Wild (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
"Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of" (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
Confessions of.....a Christian (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
Seven Degrees of George W. Bush (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
Dear IRS...... (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
What Democracy Means to Me (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
"I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day" (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
"THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!" (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
The Poor get Poorer..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
Refinancing your home the 'hard' way..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
Pope Dies of old Age (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now! (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
How I Spent my Weekend (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
Four Dead in Ohio (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
Some Mother's Son (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
"lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!" (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
The Man on the Crane (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet? (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
And now....Page two (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
Praying for a Miracle (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
Send in the Clowns (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
"What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!" (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White) (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
They're Trying to Wash Us Away.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
"Not Acceptable" (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.) (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo? (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT! (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
George Talks to God..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
For the Greater Good..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
Coalition....What Coalition? (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
Confessions of a White Gentile (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
The World Just Got A Little Less Funny (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
MySpace is the Devil (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
Desecrating Christmas (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
On Kurt Vonnegut..... (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
Taking it to the Streets (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
Desecrating History (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
Congress Uses "C Word" (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts? (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
Emotional Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
MySpace is the Devil (Redux) (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
Confessions of Part Time Hit Man (Mark Faulk, Jun 5, 2006)
“The Anatomy of a Rumor” or “I’ll Take the Kool-aid” (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2006)
"ALL INVESTORS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS" – SEC eliminates integrity in the stock market (Mark Faulk, Jul 6, 2006)
Everybody's a dreamer and everybody's a star (Mark Faulk, Jul 24, 2006)
It Wasn't the Planes that Killed King Kong.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 4, 2006)
Forget the Mideast, it’s the Midwest uprising Bush should worry about (Mark Faulk, Aug 28, 2006)
Blame it on the Full Moon (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2006)
How Low Can They Go? (Mark Faulk, Nov 2, 2006)
Truth in the Booth...Live on CFRN on Nov. 17th (Mark Faulk, Nov 16, 2006)
Life WIth Father (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2006)
Thinking Voyager 2 Type Things (Mark Faulk, Jan 16, 2007)
so simple in the moonlight.... (Mark Faulk, Feb 20, 2007)
Promises, Promises….Take a Letter!!! (Mark Faulk, March Mar 19, 2007)
CMKX The Train of Truth (Mark Faulk, April 10, 2007 )
Gonzo Radio....or.....when all else fails, blog it!!!! (Mark Faulk, June 16, 2007)
Observations on the Way Home (Mark Faulk, August 5, 2007)
The Idiot’s Guide to the Electoral Process (Mark Faulk, Feb 8, 2008)
MAPS for Millionaires or “Daddy, buy me an arena” (Mark Faulk, Feb 29, 2008)
Dear Hillary: When the race is over, it's over.... (Mark Faulk, Mar 10, 2008)
“We come for your children” – The Truth About the Gay Agenda (Mark Faulk, May 2, 2008)
Savior Hillary (Mark Faulk, May 20, 2008)
This is me in fragments...enter at your own risk (Mark Faulk, Jun 30, 2008)
Silver State Bank: What’s Deposited in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas (Mark Faulk, Jul 30, 2008)
John McSame’s Campaign to Nowhere (Mark Faulk, Sep 12, 2008)
Change has come to America (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2008)
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